Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

Classified documents discovered over the MLK holiday weekend in a birdcage at President Biden's beach house have thrown the White House into a tizzy. The top secret papers were promptly delivered to the National Archives—bird poop and all—along with Biden's vintage 1967 Corvette convertible that had been employed to spirit them away.

Spokeswoman Karine Jean-Pierre said the president is cooperating fully with authorities in hopes he can get the car back quickly. "It's kind of like a security blanket," she told reporters, adding, "they can keep the birdcage." Upon hearing the news, former president Donald Trump said, "Hypocrite, hypocrite, na, na, na, na, na."

The controversy is bad news for Attorney General Merrick Garland, who can't very well prosecute Trump without investigating Biden, too. It all adds up to one political cluster [expletive deleted]. So it's King's X for Trump—that's the good news.

The bad news is it will rob him of a lot of publicity—the kind he needs to rile up the red-hatted MAGA militias who have gone to ground since Trump disciple Kari Lake vanished in Arizona.

Meanwhile, Biden continues to whistle past the graveyard repeating the same old tune: "I'm not Trump." But maybe something else would be more apropos, like "Knockin' On Heaven's Door."

As St. George Turns, the Rom-Com of Drag
The atmosphere may be burning up, there's horrendous flooding, endless drought and fires beyond control. But in St. George they've got real problems—drag shows. This could get dicey. There are F-bombs and C-bombs and who knows what all.

It all started last fall when HBO staged "We're Here," a drag show in Town Square Park that drew some 1,400 onlookers.

KABOOOOM!

Satanic worship, cried some. Grooming children, cried others. Cute outfits, whispered some. The dust devil turned into a whirlwind that became a tempest in a teapot. Then the LGBT Student Association at Utah Tech hosted a drag show of its own. What is the world coming to?

This isn't New York City, where sin is like a plague. This is St. George, Utah, founded by nice, Mormon people who believe women have a special place under God's heaven and they didn't mean hairy men in fishnet stockings and sparkly heels.

Who are you going to call—a crisis manager, of course. He will give perverted progressives a taste of their own medicine, with F-bombs and C-bombs and nastiness. Oops! Backfire! Maybe fighting drag shows with profanity isn't exactly the best way to go. After all, one of Brigham Young's sons was a drag queen, Madame Patterini. Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of "As St. George Turns."

Lying is Not Illegal—Maybe
Hey Wilson, what's the big deal with George Santos, anyway. Everyone wants him to resign from Congress. So what if he told a few lies when running for a House seat from Long Island? No big thing, everyone on Long Island lies.

Kevin McCarthy, the new speaker of the House, doesn't care if Santos fibbed about where he went to college and grad school. Getting an education can be a hindrance when trying to think. Kevin McCarthy knows that all too well.

Santos may have prevaricated a little about being the grandson of Holocaust refugees. But he didn't say he is a Jew, Santos said he is "Jew-ish." Get it? He's actually Catholic. But who cares; and besides, Kevin McCarthy needs his vote—without it he wouldn't be speaker and going forward, the GOP holds only a 9-vote majority in the House.

And hey, Lying isn't illegal. Is a Burger King Whopper really as big as it is in the ads? Did Bill Clinton have sex with that woman? Did Saddam Hussein have "weapons of mass destruction?"

The Washington Post counted 30,573 false or misleading statements by Trump during his presidency. George Santos has got a lot of prevaricating to do to catch up or even be seen as a decent liar.

But as long as Kevin McCarthy and the GOP need him, the country will be better off. And that's not the truth, either.

Postscript—That's a wrap for another wet week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of the Utah Legislature so you don't have to. Na, we try not to pay attention to those people—not good for mental health. But hark, they may adopt a new state flag this session. Very important!

And then there's the culture war stuff: get down on transgenders, get down on abortion, get down on restricting guns and bring in ice from the North Pole to fill The Great Salt Lake. We can't come up for air until March 3—or maybe ever.

Republicans in Congress are playing the old "we're going to save taxpayers" ploy by making sure the IRS doesn't have needed manpower. The House GOP just stripped $71 billion in funding from the agency.

In 2010, more than 21% of tax returns reporting more than $10 million in income were audited, according to the GAO—that dropped to 3.9% by 2019. In the coming decade, the federal deficit will grow by $100 billion in lost tax revenue.

And finally this from our "News You Can Use" file—the Deseret News reports that when it comes to bagels, Utah doesn't cut it. According to Lawn Love, Salt Lake City is ranked 122nd and West Valley is 190th. Lawn Love, it turns out, is a lawn care service. Is this a great country, or what?

Well Wilson, poor old Joe Biden is up to his ankles in quicksand.

What's up with the way the White House deals with classified documents? Now, it's the Republicans who are licking their chops. Christmas may have come late, but boy did it come. So get the band to put down their 1040s and play something for Old Joe that he can hum past the graveyard.

Twas in another lifetime one of toil and blood
When blackness was a virtue, the road was full of mud
I came in from the wilderness a creature void of form
"Come in," she said
"I'll give you shelter from the storm"

I was burned out from exhaustion buried in the hail
Poisoned in the bushes and blown out on the trail
Hunted like a crocodile ravaged in the corn
"Come in," she said
"I'll give you shelter from the storm"

Well the deputy walks on hard nails and the preacher rides a mount
But nothing really matters much it's doom alone that counts
And the one-eyed undertaker he blows a futile horn
"Come in," she said
"I'll give you shelter from the storm"

In a little hilltop village they gambled for my clothes
I bargained for salvation and she gave me a lethal dose
I offered up my innocence, I got repaid with scorn
"Come in," she said
"I'll give you shelter from the storm"

Well I'm living in a foreign country but I'm bound to cross the line
Beauty walks a razor's edge someday I'll make it mine
If I could only turn back the clock to when God and her were born
"Come in," she said
"I'll give you shelter from the storm"
"Shelter From the Storm"—Bob Dylan