International Standard Book Number
ISBN: 979-8-9932052-0-5

Linda says, “We don’t want your pity. 
Pity is passive, and we need action!"

   Linda gives us a roadmap to understand cPTSD, prevent and expose child sexual victimization and commoditization, and begin the journey to end rape culture! She demands that we change the language of society and gives fellow survivors her easy to remember and follow SPADES six-step recovery and trigger-management workshop.

(*Foreword coming with official release in January!)  
With a foreword by Joyce M. Short, fellow survivor and founder of The Consent Awareness Network (CAN), 
Call It Assault! A childhood sexual grooming and assault survivor's story and guide to personal and societal healing, by CSA survivor, NLP, and founder of SWEETSurvivor.com, Linda Kay Gifford, weaves an emotionally riveting and complex personal window into her life as both a victimized child and an adult
 with Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. 

   You will close the final page of this book with a new understanding and compassion for survivors, the tools to assist in your own recovery, and the desire to ACT to stop sexual violence!

In a raw and revealing journey through the chaos of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, the author confronts the stigma of survival, the struggle for self-identity, and the “system” of alters she devised to survive. A blend of personal anecdotes and insights from her Neurolinguistic Reprocessing journey, she offers practical steps for healing while challenging societal perceptions of victims. This empowering narrative not only sheds light on the neurological impact of trauma but also serves as a guide for others seeking to reclaim their voices and lives.

Book Description

“Trauma isn’t the event. 
 It’s the absence of an empathetic     witness.” 

Peter A. Levine - The Body Keeps the Score: 
Brain, Mind, Body in the Healing of Trauma, (2015)

We demand our seat at every table and 
insist on justice in this world, 
pen in the writing-hand and sword in the other. 
Don’t MAKE us switch hands! 

Virginia, you have given us all strength, too.
“I am Virginia!”  Make it bellow like a battle call!

   Whatever the nature of your sexual assault(s) trauma or other degradation and inequity as a female, join with US! We stand now, together as one whole can of womanhood whoop-ass, reclaiming our God-given power to birth new lives; this time, OURS! 

   Virginia Giuffre’s reality was one of strength, bravery, and endurance, but also deep, unrelenting emotional pain. Her path towards recovery and to expose the powerful and corrupt so-called adults who victimized her and all of us childhood sexual assault survivors was hindered by intimidation and threats from powerful people, all in attempt to cage her and all fellow survivors from media coverage; from history, itself. Not happening on my watch!

“You were the reason I told the truth. If you 
ever wonder what courage looks like, don’t 
look at me. Look at yourself. I was not a victim because I was weak; I was a victim because 
those in power mistook silence for consent. 
That ends with your generation.”

I Am

Hi, I’m Linda Kay Gifford, 
mom of three awesome 
young men, and even a 
little-known singer, flautist, 
and award-winning-ish songwriter, having credit on The Del McCoury Band's IBMA Album of the Year, It's Just the Night"!

I’ve been invited to solo on stages with Blues legends like Carl Weathersby, Billy
Billy Branch, and

It slashes me; both predictably and when I least expect it.

  You see, I have Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder 
(C-PTSD) with associated Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), or the condition formerly and still commonly referred to as Alternate Personality Disorder, stemming from years of childhood sexual grooming and ______________ .

What do think I’m about to say?
Fill in the blank for me… 
Childhood Sexual __________ .

Junior Brown; opened for Bela Fleck, Living Color, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, and even with Willie Nelson at the finest hotel in all of Maui! And, Surprise!... Until recently, almost nobody knew me at all. I’ve been packing a nearly life-long secret. I’ve been carrying a monster on my back and most of you are unknowingly, unwittingly, feeding it.

   Maybe sorrow and empathy will spur you into action, and you will act to protect the vulnerable in your life and beyond. Survivors need not just immediate rescue, but to integrate into a loving and supportive environment, sometimes for the very first time! We must teach them that they deserve respect, love, and stability, and how to grow, demand, and maintain it!

   I hope to awaken you. I want my past fear and shame to become palpable to you. As an NLP, I need my adult struggles to be validated and understood, so that better diagnostic models can be developed to screen those who present with a mental illness for the possibility of past trauma and the C-PTSD that accompanies it. 

   But I have a feeling, with so much emphasis on exposing traffickers at the highest levels these days, that if I tell you what it's like to be a survivor of childhood sexual grooming and assault that happened in my own neighborhood - my hometown - in unknowing relative's homes, among others - with multiple violators - you will see that the problem is everywhere and, instead of just watch the news in alarm, help us help your community!

What I have never done before is write a whole book, so my apologies up top! I'm just a three or four verses and a chorus woman, to date, with an occasional social essay thrown in for my own mental relief. 

To heal is not 
to be confused with forgiveness, but to 
hurt another 
can never 
be confused 
with success!

  *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; 
   all rights reserved, Illinois State Capitol

   So, I give you permission to stop feeling sorry 
for me and other survivors. Please! Pity is passive, 
and we need you to focus your attention and take action! Please don't forget this book and close it 
sad, angry, or depressed. Angry is okay, actually. 
Anger can be good! 

   But use only your words, your deeds, and your vote! Vengeance may look sweet, but it'll land you in jail, or worse. Violence is not a productive path to change anything!

I am not calling for vengeance, but for awareness 
so that we can put a STOP to this together - 
All of us who are responsible!

 *Photo by Max Rooke Irwin; all rights reserved

 *Photo by George Koffler; all rights reserved

To those who have made my life possible, 
those who have and do enrich me in every way in it, and who've made this book a reality.

Thank You!

Survivors Working to END 
Exploitation and Trafficking!

*We appreciate donations and have a $1.99 monthly 
SWEET Hero Subscription Link in the Resource pages. 
Thank you in advance! I knew we could count on you! Linda

Thank You for Supporting SWEETSurvivor.com

*Please use #FGKIA - Consent is:  
A Freely Given, Knowledgeable and Informed Agreement between people who each have 
the capacity to reason.  
@CAN.org @ConsentAwareness.net

   Joyce was instrumental in inspiring me to and reach out to lawmakers and others to speak about my experience, so they understand why Statutes of Limitations for myself, and fellow survivors need to be lifted! I'll do my very best to educate others and I will never stop, whether on this earth, or pulling from the afterlife.

Steve Harrison, co-founder of Bradley Publicity Group ~ for believing in me enough to convince me I could write this book when I was worried that I only knew how to write three verses and a chorus! Steve and his world-class crew guided me through the writing process for three years for free, told me when I was ready, and hooked me up with bestselling authors for personal guidance and endorsement/sponsorship advice. Just amazing!
You're like family now!

Jessica Rigney, Artistic Contributor and friend
~ Such special gratitude 
to my long-time friend 
and two-time doula.
In addition to seeing 
my two oldest sons 
before I did, Jessica 
created my CD cover in 
its entirety and graces 
this book with her photography and insight.
All love, thanks, and excitement to see what you create next!

  *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; 
    all rights reserved,
    Meramac River, Missouri

                  *Photo by Denis G. Miller; all rights reserved

Jessica Rigney; Author/Artist Bio

is a poet and interdisciplinary 
artist cultivating 
the landscapes 
of body memory, 
time, desire, and 
the natural world.  

She lives 
and wanders in Colorado and northern New Mexico, where she writes and photographs and collects feathers 
and stones. 

~ Follow a Field: A Photographic & Poetic Essay (Blurb Books, 2016)
~ Entre Nous (Boar Hog Press, 2017) 
~ Something Whole (Finishing Line Press, 2021) 
~ Still Time: A Photographic & Poetic Meditation (Blurb Books, 2023)

Jessica is a 2016 and 2018 quarter-finalist for the Pablo Neruda Prize for Poetry, and a 2022 Pushcart Prize nominee.  

   Her poems have appeared in Cider Press Review, Night Heron Barks, South Broadway, Northwest Press, as well as Thought for Food: An Anthology Benefiting Denver Food Rescue, Dwell: Poems About Home and We are the West: A Colorado Anthology.
@www.jessicarigney.com

Artistic Contributors

Sean Carpini

Max Rooke Irwin

Author, Poet, 
Photographer and 
Proud member of 
The Yaqui Nation
Sean loves to travel. photograph, and 
write what comes 
to heart in 
nature's 
most  
beautiful
 and 
spiritual 
places. 

Max Rooke Irwin is a 
nature photographer
 to follow! Always with her trusty fur-baby by her side, 
she hikes over 
mountains and 
across glaciers, 
up hills and 
down hollows,  
photographing 
earth's 
splendor 
all 
along 
the 
way.

My Three Sons - John, Samuel, and Douglas (Willy), and all they love ~ for their existence, the eternal love we reciprocate, the decent and kind men threw grew into, and growing me up well! I’ve got you, no matter what! I love you always and forever!

Kenneth Springs, my good friend,  father to twelve daughters and two sons, and my initial investor ~ for telling me I really ought to have my own business and investing in my first venture: a pre-pandemic fair trade, Ten Thousand Villages affiliated mall store. The pandemic took he and his wife, Barbara, a month apart. Rest in Peace. I'll see you again one day!

Mom and Dad ~ for modeling decency and kindness to all, fighting for human rights, never passing a car on the side of the road without stopping to see if they needed help, and creating all the trimmings of my Norman Rockwell-esque childhood. But, also for unknowingly teaching me to establish better communication with my children than I had with them. Their remiss of not knowing I was being sexually assaulted could have been mitigated by a foundation of clear, honest, non-judgmental communication, and I’ve tried to change that pattern with my kids. I miss you. See you on the flip side!

George Koffler, my love ~ for being brilliant and kind, understanding my HFA and being willing to explain the instructions to me occasionally, and for being a loving and stabilizing center throughout the intense emotional effort involved in revisiting my past to write parts of this book. I love you.

Lisa Dawn Turasky ~ for believing in me when I didn't and blazing my trail towards recovery. I wrote a chapter about you, Lisa. The day you were gone was the day that I knew I'd love you forever. [*A Haiku I wrote for Lisa, my dear late friend and fellow survivor]

 BE  
 DETERMINED

 STAND with 
 Survivors!

 DEMAND
 decency 
 in our 
 communities! 
 and in our 
 Legal   Systems!

My mouth IS my gun 
and our voices, raised together, 
ARE our ammunition! 
Lock and load.

  *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

Please close this book Empowered!

 *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved; 
   taken out of a window on my beloved 
Amtrak Missouri River Runner 

 *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved, 
   from the window of my beloved Amtrak Missouri River Runner

Introduction

   But I learned that anything that could even lead a person to deduce who my assailants were leaves me open to libel and slander. My assailants are innocent by virtue of statutes of limitations. Unbelievable! But I've decided that, even with the exact nature of the relationships hidden by law, I will proceed.

   I wrote about all that, but the legal review made me take out over a thousand words bookwide describing the circumstances of what actually happened to me at every turn, from my childhood assaults to grown-up relationships. I am now silenced, as we all are, whether by shame, family, religion, or the law. 

Someone my good and kind parents entrusted me to. Someone I, initially, adored.

And for some like me, it will be someone close to
 the family that I can neither name nor prosecute, as they are presumed innocent by virtue of 
Statute of Limitations! (Grrrr!!!)

 ~ your friend
 ~ your neighbor
 ~ a coach, teacher
 ~ a priest or a preacher
 ~ a stepfather 
 ~ a father

While it is critical to stop sex trafficking, I remind you that MOST of your children’s potential assailants   - and I’ll just bet you see the distinction between  “abuse” and “assault” when you put it in the context of your own child! - are more likely to be… 

   I told him that, despite the fact that the science and psychology behind developing Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome and the reasons why we don't tell are undeniable and compelling, few lawmakers are addressing the problem. He thought it was a good idea! Fingers crossed; make some noise!

   I then asked him to consider doing a show about that... the fact that our assailants get to walk around in the light of day living their best lives because their state has not joined others in raising the statutes of limitations for survivors of childhood sexual assault. 

~ A study conducted in 1986 found that 63% of women who had suffered sexual abuse by a family member also reported a rape or attempted rape after the age of 14. Recent studies in 2000, 2002, and 2005 have all concluded similar results.

   I am not going to attempt to break down the complete scientific research base of knowledge about C-PTSS and C-PTSD, every possible therapy, or the intricacies of the neural-net in this book. There are other great books that do so, written by those with more credentials and a higher pay-grade. Books and media that I regularly reference are in the Resources Section in the back of the book, and I encourage you to explore current research on trauma and brain growth, structure, and function!

   The main reason for this book, on a personal level, is to place the shame where it belongs. 
It is not mine, and it is not yours, but we're 
going to have to work to both understand that ourselves, and to change society at the base 
levels of awareness and legal repercussion!

Clearly, we need to meet this moment 
head-on with unity, determination, 
and ACTION!!!

~ Compared to those with no history of sexual abuse, young males who were sexually abused were five times more likely to cause teen pregnancy, three times more likely to have multiple sexual partners and two times more likely to have unprotected sex.

~ Children who do not live with both parents as well as children living in homes marked by parental discord, divorce, or domestic violence, have a higher risk of being sexually abused.

  *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved
    Moonflowers on Grandma Pat's farm, Summer, 2024

Don’t wait years to decades to realize you’ve 
been affected by your past just like everybody else is affected by theirs! You, Survivor, have your specific neural net, developed specifically from your circumstances and you are a 
perfectly normal survivor of childhood sexual assault, no matter how messed up you feel!

It’s time to make the justice system aware of the life-long consequences; the damage done to us, the survivors of childhood sexual assault. We now demand that our assailants be called assailants, not just abusers, and be prosecuted as assailants! 

Consent Laws, or the Lack Thereof

Which leads me to...

Learn! Learn! Learn! 
More on that in the E in SPADES...
Educate and Advocate!

The way out is through. 
WE have the right to be angry and the collective power to make society listen!

Unchecked, current global and national trends 
towards stripping bodily autonomy and 
human rights away from woman and others will 
set us back decades to, unchecked, millennia!

   C-PTSD is also often comorbid with any of 
these conditions, especially any of the 
three Bipolar Disorders. 

We are not ruined because someone 
forced their penis into us against 
our will or understanding. 

Many of us are also shaped by our religious background, even if we don't consider ourselves religious today. Therefore, it's important to speak to both us and our clergy, if involved, about the use of words like taken, stolen, and ruined, regarding virginity. We've got enough shame baggage. We don't need our spiritual leaders heaping more onto our perceived shame-pile!

Clergy and Spiritual Support

   There are so many of us, 
and we’re tired; 
So - Damned - Tired 

   It is in that light that I have written this book and developed my workshop. It is in the spirit of healing the whole of society, as well as rescuing the body, heart and soul of each survivor of childhood sexual assault and/or sexual trafficking, that I bare my past and clear the path for you.

   Become self-aware from your experience and conviction! Be energized to action, not just by empathy and compassion, but by the 
lightning-bolt realization that every child you know is a walking target and every woman 
or man, a potential secret survivor.

  *Photo by, Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

Buckle up. 
The landing is SWEET 
(see what I did there?) 
but the ride will be bumpy. 
It is my intention to leave you, 
not sad, but informed, engaged, 
and ACTIVE!

So, I give you the first of several more already 
in-the-works books, and I'll be releasing an enormous pile of over seventy-five original 
songs after I publish this book. Got to play a 
minute-of-motherhood catch up, lol!

 *Photo by Sean Carpini; all rights reserved

Shocking Child Sexual Abuse Statistics

An estimated 4.8 million - say that out loud -  
FOUR POINT EIGHT MILLION PEOPLE are trafficked 
for forced sexual exploitation every year!

Some mother’s child. 
Some father’s joy.

1.2 Million of them are CHILDREN!

   The end of this statistical road is where we, 
survivors of childhood sexual assault, 
begin our journey...

The following statistics are drawn directly, word for word, from VictimsOfCrime.org...

~ According to a 2003 National Institute of Justice report, 3 out of 4 adolescents who have been sexually assaulted were victimized by someone they knew well.

   *Yearbook photo

Well, here goes... (Deep Breath)

The following is where I was at in the moment of first writing -before thoughts of a book - 
just a trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy exercise my counselor Molly taught me to dump thoughts and feelings out of my mind for clarity and relief…

So I'll start there…

   *Photo by Max Rooke Irwin; all rights reserved

Part One - Self Talk

So now, 
I have made the unpopular decision
 to remember...

"You're just a filthy piece of shit. 
No one will ever love you."

I slap my face. I slap it again; 
harder.

   I suppose the image of the grown woman you care about shouting such for no apparent reason could be a little disconcerting. And I wasn't telling. Yet.

"Get near this one and you'll likely be broken 
on the unseen, jagged rocks."

*Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

Dark deserved places

The notion that I am inherently flawed now is ridiculous. I know it is. I can reason that it is. 
I can write papers citing experts and statistics 
and make reasoned arguments that I am, certainly, the “victim”. But that bears me little 
to no comfort.

   Well, guess what? Though my life is, inarguably, full of love and joy, my successes do not in any way compensate for the part of my potential self that was “ruined” - changed forever; “taken” from me, to use the vernacular I so despise.

   Society is giving us sexual assault survivors little incentive to heal. The atrocities committed against our bodies were burned into our self images and, everywhere we look, the courts are turning a blind eye to the justice we deserve.

   In a first world country, it is shocking to see 
hordes of men AND women flock to punish 
victims of rape with unwanted pregnancies, while letting their rapists off the legal hook 
with a “Boys will be boys, and we wouldn’t 
want to ruin their lives, after all”, mentality!

- Forgiveness allows a preacher who rapes their own child repeatedly for years to get no jail time because, “He’s done so much other good in the community.”

- Forgiveness is why a 26-year-old bus driver can rape a 14-year-old girl and practically go free with probation and a warning to stay away from underage girls; the judge reasoning that, “He only raped one victim. And she did drink the alcohol he offered, after all.”

- Forgiveness lets you kill a girl’s parents and lock her in a cage, starve and rape her for months, yet get little jail time because you are “mentally ill”.

Forgiveness is not in my cards; not 
while nobody is holding him accountable. Forgiveness is overrated. Forgiveness is why  abusers don’t do significant, if any, jail time.

"Roll it down, roll it up. Drink the coffee. 
Toss the cup. Push it back. Pull it up. 
Try to swallow. Don’t throw up.” 

 *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

Little Girl and 
Rage

She feels her soul burning, and she is on 
her own to survive the disgusting things 
she knows she will do again.

   When I am triggered, and the triggers are everywhere, Little Girl or Rage take over. They are the two who handle the tough stuff for me. Rage is a young teen, older than Little Girl. He thinks she is pathetic. Yes, Rage is a boy. Boys had power. Rage has power.

When they appear, I can change… 
like, seriously change. 
I become “Little Girl” or “Rage”.

   She crouches in the corner in the darkness, always with the door slightly open. To this day I keep the bathroom door slightly open at home and in hotel rooms where there is little risk of exposure. I hate feeling trapped. I know my exits. As I've said, I stay in front of or on the edge of the crowd - Alert. 

   After trauma or triggers, Little Girl hides in the bathroom and cries. It happened when she was an adolescent and teen following every sexual situation she felt disgusted at having participated in, and it still sometimes happens when triggered;  at least after Rage is done handling the situation. (Thankfully, and after much reprocessing, intimacy no longer triggers me!)

   I'm realizing that in the past, Rage took over and handled things when Little Girl was crying hysterically. Rage has stopped Little Girl from killing herself more than once. He has intervened countless times, if she’s honest.

I am learning to harness him like a recruit -
My soldier who will demand good 
and conquer evil in this world!

 She rocks back and forth, crying hysterically, chanting debasing phrases to herself over and over again. 

   Rage literally takes over and bellows in soul-tormented anguish, promising Little Girl that she must survive to one day be able to inflict painful, degrading humiliation beyond humiliation upon him. Not the best message, perhaps, but it’s the one Rage tells her. Over and over again, he slaps her face and demands she pull herself together… anything to pull her out of the mental ricochet before it runs her over.

JUST  -   STOP  -  CRYING

Rage temporarily separates Little Girl’s mental anguish from her bodies with the promise… “One day you can kill him. Kill them. One day.” 

[*Rage never speaks in the first person. He is completely separate from the rest of us. We say "we" when we're thinking or talking as a unit. He says "you".]

Little Girl will perfect her tolerance, 
like children do, and her shame will grow, 
and she will never, EVER, tell anyone 
how filthy she has become.

 And I can’t stop the voice in my head that says,
 "She might be better off dead." 
 And she can't stop the voice in her head that says, I might be better off dead."

It’s never enough, still.

WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME, 
FOR GOD’S SAKE?!  
be a golden child - be lovable - 
make up for it all - don’t kill myself today
What else can I do to be acceptable?

Get dressed. Do your homework. Get A’s. 
Be a cheerleader - Volunteer candy striper - Senior Girl Scout - Tumbling team - Honor Society - First seat Flautist - All State Choir and All State Band - twice.First in state German Prose -  Win the god-damned “Best of All Categories” award at an eight-school regional speech meet for a prose reading of 
Robert Frost's, “Death of a Child”. How befitting.

Little Girl feels her soul burning and 
she is on her own to survive the disgusting 
things she knows she will be forced to do again. 

Embrace your inner child

 *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

“I realized what Little Girl has done for me 
all these years, and I embraced her, 
inviting her to live within me; to be loved 
by me, like a little girl should be.”

 “Roll it down, roll it up. 
 Drink the coffee. Toss the cup. 
 Push it back. Pull it up. 
 Try to swallow. Don’t throw up.”

   I respect her feelings now. I have learned to purposefully let her take over; to listen to her and, sometimes, to ride her presence in my mind out like a wave of emotion breaking over my adulthood, then get back to whatever business is at hand with little visible upset. Only those closest to me would notice the change. 

   She finally understood that I was truly on 
her side, and I promised her that her feelings 
would never be dismissed again. 

   But Little Girl got stronger over time and, with the help of a good therapist, we joined forces. 
We are still separate persons and run separate inner dialogues in the same brain. But the day we finally met, eighteen years after I escaped my assailant, we recognized each other and realized that we were on the same side. That is the day I knew I would survive, for real.

Little Girl submitted unquestioningly to the sexual demands of a perverted “adult”. She never felt she had a choice. Rage could not tolerate it. Little Girl was used to it. 

Over time, I subconsciously perfected the boundaries of each of my selves. Every violation 
of my body and mind required that I submit 
the most helpless of my "selves" to the degradation, humiliation, and pain.

 Being an
 adult survivor 
 of childhood   sexual abuse 
 in today's society
 is like carrying 
 a child through 
 a minefield 
 every day!

Now we are a unit and a tag team. We embrace each other’s pain, and we feel each other’s triumphs. Little Girl is a conscious part of me - and she's a lot more fun than Rage! Embrace your inner child, whoever you find them to be. To be fair, we still rock and cry in the bathroom occasionally, but we do it together now.

*Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; Moonflowers 
blooming on Grandma Pat's farm, 2025

   But Rage is addictive. I see that I've harnessed anger as a subconscious tool, giving it its own persona in order to send it into the shadows for much of my "perfect" Norman Rockwell 
childhood and deeply-masked life. 

   Rage is definitely my personal asshole! I was raised to always be "nice". Rage missed the memo. It seems I had to make a person who could express anger. 
While the rest of us are working together, I think Rage paces, figuratively, around our committee meetings, waiting for some reason to jump in anger. 

Not very often anymore but, when both incredibly stressed or feeling emotionally or intellectually attacked, I am still capable of flipping into my teenage boy alter, Rage. He takes over the reactions of the three others in my system when feeling angry, righteous, or threatened, and it's hard to get the floor back when he's on a roll! But now that I know this, I will work to become aware of him and, hopefully, learn to intervene before he pushes us out of his mind.

   Thankfully, he doesn't harm me or anyone else, just denigrates us and those in our twisted path verbally and emotionally occasionally. He is usually right, just not very nice in the delivery.

Rage love/hates the rest of us. 
He's like a badly trained guard dog - 
always protecting us all, but 
sometimes biting the hand that feeds.

I thought writing these thoughts and memories would "cure" me; stave off another regressive episode. But I'm finding that writing my experiences, past and present, while liberating, 
is also exceedingly anxiety provoking and upsetting. I seem to have prodded Rage into action. I'm almost afraid to admit this, but that train done left the station, at this point, 
I suppose...

   I blacked out yesterday. 
Little Girl shut me out. 
We've been integrated for over twenty years, and she shut me out again, 
taking the pain alone.

  *Photo by Max Rooke Irwin; all rights reserved

*Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

Blackout

Being an adult survivor of childhood sexual assault in today's society is like carrying 
a child through a minefield every day.”

   I woke up this morning with a sore throat, bruised arm, and a sprained wrist. As I made the bed, I had a memory flash: I remembered being consumed in an intense feeling of anger and, as if through tunnel vision, I saw someone who was looking through my eyes bashing their arms down on the closet door; pounding the dresser, the closet. I felt his wild anger and heard his jumbled thoughts with shocking intensity!

   Blacking out again all these years later was 
both truly frightening and revealing. I'm trying 
to dissect and understand my past experiences 
through the new lens of understanding my 
system of alters and how they present.

I knew that Little Girl's self-deprecating rants always end with anger. Ever since I became conscious of Little Girl in my thirties, I've been aware when she takes control. I've learned to talk her down without ending up rocking on the bathroom floor or outside somewhere. In the past, I've awakened in the woods or a field nearby, even on a locked church's doorstep in Atlanta! To be clear, I was in Atlanta playing! I've never woken up in a different town, thankfully! I just assumed Little Girl went somewhere peaceful and alone to sleep off the intense migraines that always follow her tears.

   I remember primordial screaming, then... nothing. That was it. I racked my brain, trying to remember something else, but I could only grab that much.

   Though my memory flash of the incident is brief, I consciously connected with Rage for the first time, and I will nurture that connection. I continue to hold onto him with all my might. I am pulling him to me through that tunnel... I can FEEL him now. I'm trying to understand and reprocess his experience. When you have alters,  each one needs to be reprocessed individually. 

   Perhaps, society's utter lack of a unilateral attitude deeming child sexual assault to even be a problem, much less a devastating reality for so many of us, is triggering my inner selves to action. I must be careful to control the consequences. As I said in "forgiveness is overrated", my thoughts have not always exactly been peaceful towards assailants.

What I DO remember was watching the news 
and seeing two sexual assailants all but walk. 
I recorded a video, yelling and crying in anger, then blacked out for the first time in over twenty years.

Asking a friend who'd been there, I'm told I curled up in a chair on the patio and cried for over two hours, then came in and, “clearly wasn't in there”, as I bashed on things, screaming. I have no memory of it, except for the moments of tunnel vision when I recognized that Rage was making independent decisions and had a hold of me. This kind of disassociation just can't be happening in my grown-up life! But I got up, and I wrote this in one session, so I guess it needed written.

   Turns out, I probably owe Rage my sanity and, quite possibly, my life. He guided me in and through and back out of almost every turbulent time and humiliating challenge with Little Girl in tow, thankfully; then left me alone to have a relatively normal life in a relatively good and kind family.

I am certain of it, 
because the two times 
Rage gave up on me, 
I almost won my battle 
to keep all of this a secret 
forever.

   *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford, all rights reserved

 *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford, all rights reserved

Suicide 

When 
Rage 
Loses

"...the two times Rage gave up on me, 
I almost won my battle to keep 
all of this a secret forever."

But, my story is no different from any other 
abuse and assault victim who has decided to 
take their own life. It’s just as valid; it’s just as 
messed up; and it's altogether too common.

   I was in too deep. I blamed myself. 
Looking at other young teens now, 
I realize that there is nothing I could 
have done to make it my fault. 
I was a child. 

I remember 
doing it.
I don’t 
remember
 feeling it.
I remember wondering 
why I didn’t 
feel it.

 *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; 
   all rights reserved

    My pocketknife wasn’t very sharp. It took some work to get a cut big enough to bleed well. I was dizzy as I stood. I walked across the courtyard, stepped onto the dark highway in front of my building, and laid down. I don’t remember feeling scared. I remember feeling very sad.

Suffice it to say, I saw no other option and, this time, Little Girl and Rage failed to intervene. The only way I saw to win was to end the game. That day, Shame beat Rage. 

Will you please just help us 
lock them up, already?!  
Thank You!

But if that's too harsh or 
spiritually incorrect for you,

*Screenshot from LIVE, Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

Rage and I will stand together with Little Girl and defy Shame 
before an indecent society!

 *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

   Filling in some blanks from Part One - 
I offer you what I’ve felt, suffered, escaped, and 
learned as a childhood sexual assault survivor, 
and how I’ve grown, healed, and learned to rise up 
as an NLP and advocate for fellow survivors! 

Trigger Warning: While I keep the details of my personal sexual violation largely offset in most of this book so that other victims may read it and identify with the feelings described rather than my personal circumstances, 
I necessarily, must set the groundwork for my own C-PTSD. 

 *Photo screenshot from book trailer by Jess Graziani; all rights reserved

I will now provide a window or, perhaps, 
a potential mirror. Thank you for looking into it...

The following is my reality; not story - my reality,  revisited as an adult with years of personal awareness  and reprocessing work and study. This will fill in a lot of pieces in the stream of consciousness that was Part One.

I'm going to fill in some blanks in Part One, 
revisited after re-processing my trauma.

Part Two - What Happened to Me

   Adult men thought I was old enough to drink and drink I did. My future assailant thought it was funny to mix things like grape or orange juice with gin or vodka for me and laughed at me when I was intoxicated. 

*Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved 

Oprah 
Winfrey

Speaks 
Our 
Truth... 

"I didn’t know 
what rape was, 
I certainly wasn’t 
aware of the word. 
I had no idea what sex was, 
I had no idea where babies came from. 
I didn’t even know what was happening to me, and I kept that secret.” 

   I can hardly describe the horror of that moment. Life literally went from glorious to terrifying and shameful in an instant. And the worst part of it is, I didn’t understand the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response, yet much less that childhood sexual assault victims almost universally end up at freeze. 

   He began molesting me that night, kissing me 
and touching my genitals through my clothes. I was petrified with confusion, like time stopped, and in 
some ways it did for me; for all survivors. He continued, unzipping my pants and putting his fingers inside me.

   Eventually, when I was late twelve or early thirteen, he stopped the car and told me how pretty I was, how pretty my eyes were and other creepy things that made me uncomfortable. 

   *It’s important to note here that as an adult 
I have been diagnosed with High-Functioning Autism - still called Asperger’s Syndrome 
in most of the world. 

Autistics, whatever their place on the spectrum, 
have a very difficult time understanding and/or responding appropriately to social cues. 

In fact, autistic children and adults are 
seven to ten times more likely to be 
victimized, sexually or otherwise, than others!

And that was the first of 
many secrets to come.

I froze. 

I think survivors of many kinds of violence and abuse can relate to just trying to disappear...

“Hide. 
Wait. 
Pray. 

How my 
heartbeat 
betrays me,

deafening 
silence.” 

 *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

*Haiku by 
  Linda Kay Gifford

Dissociative Identity Disorder

 *Junior High Yearbook Photo

   I stayed at his house after he assaulted me and many other times in the future. Remember that we lived nine miles outside of town, so babysitting often involved spending nights over with others. 

   I became excellent at dissociating, I realize now, 
dividing into three alters to handle the split in my world; 
balancing being a top student involved in tons of extracurriculars with my shattered sense of security 
and newfound shame and self-hatred.

I felt as guilty as he should have. I knew I didn’t want it to happen, and I hated it, but I didn’t stop him.

I learned to dissociate as he would kiss and touch me and, ultimately, unzip his pants and push me - literally force me into giving him oral sex. I hated it. It was gagging and choking and horrifying. I felt like I might suffocate and die. Having finally discovered actual loving intimate sex, I can say that he was just forcefully getting off as fast as he could and didn’t give a crap if I could breathe or not.

Do!...VET those your children babysit for 
and explain the rules of touch and propriety 
to your child, and make sure they know YOU are their ally and point of first contact, outside of the police if urgent, when threatened with 
or victimized by sexual violation!

   I think it’s also important to add that three other fathers of children I babysat for tried to, or did, molest me on the way home over the years. I come from a town of only three thousand people, and I’m pretty sure they counted the cows because it doesn’t feel that big. And even in that small of a community, several so-called adult married men felt perfectly comfortable molesting adolescent and teen babysitters!

   Anyway, I didn't know the answer to the question of why I didn’t tell for so many 
decades that the shame and humiliation 
formed me into a self-deprecating, self-destructive, relationship-destroying, alternate-developing shell of my potential self.

There are more in-depth explorations of my "system" of alters, as we now call it, in Part One, which I actually wrote first and in one forty-eight hours sitting. It’s raw, and it’s angry, but I decided to include it in its mostly original form. I tried to organize it a bit, as I was jumping around in time a lot, but I wanted to preserve the intensity of the moment. After I read it myself, I was compelled to start the SWEET Survivor Resource and Rescue Group, study neurolinguistic reprocessing,  and write this book.

Naturally, this is the, “Why didn't you TELL?!”, part. Also, Your Alters?!

 *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

“Little girl, 
you’re just a duck in a row. 
Wrap her up.
She’s ready now.
Tear away her bow.” 

[*Lyric from the song “Little Girl” by Linda Kay Gifford; 
free downloads @ LindaKayGiffordSongs.com.]

Target Sighted

By fourteen, my assailant and friends somehow snuck me into a bar/dance club. A man (and I use 
the term lightly) - a medical student at the time - 
was visiting them. 

   He was very good looking, and I felt very grown-up drinking and dancing with him. We were shaking it down to “Brick House”, me trying to look and act his age at fourteen.

   So, I guess my main assailant figured, once 
his buddy told him he raped and sodomized 
me, that I was fair game now and game I was. 
Rinse and repeat for three more years.

To this day, I do not trust sleep. 
I have never slept more than three hours 
in a row in my entire adult life.

   I didn’t have the words for it then, but now I understand that I was dissociating. I tried to stop him, but I did not scream. I was already somehow conditioned to think that nobody could know any of this. So, at the point when I could have stopped my first rape from progressing, I dissociated; just went away. 

   I said no, but I did not fight. That was one of 
my most shaming pieces of baggage, before I understood Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), that 
I had developed it and three alters to boot, and why.

   Both were excruciating for days after, but I dissociated during, something I had learned to do beginning with the forced oral sex, and I found carried over into my adult life in ways I did not realize and have learned to overcome. More about that in the SPADES workshop’s P = Separate the Past 
Past from the Present.

“I was broken. By this point, I just wanted to die, hated myself, wanted to be back in school, 
wanted my parents to come drag me home.”

Crying for Help

*Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

   I was a “Golden Girl”. I got straight A’s, sat first seat 
flute my Sophomore year on, won one of the coveted sixteen high-soprano spots in Allstate Choir two years 
in a row. I also made All State Band both years, but had to choose, as they rehearsed at the same time as AS Choir. I got dozens of medals between band and choir. 

   I was a cheerleader for 8 years, a Senior Girl Scout 
and camp volunteer, hospital volunteer Candy Striper, worked at a pizza joint, took 1st in State in German Prose reading, and both 1st in prose and the overall gold medal out of all categories in an eight school regional speech meet for reciting Robert Frost’s, “Death of a Child”. 
As I said earlier, how appropriate.

   Long story short, when we got back home, the band director gave them to the school nurse who took them to a doctor who called the police. They then called my dad who said, “Go put the fear of God in her!” I didn’t actually hear this, but I’m assuming it; a bold move I appreciate and might have done with my own child, if I didn’t understand the hell they were really going through.  However, at the time, I was not pleased about it at all. More than not being pleased, I felt utterly humiliated.

   This is one of the biggest take-aways 
I want you to get from this book! 
We should have real communication 
established as parent and child, not just 
real love with a rulebook to follow and 
medals of achievement to earn. 
My parents were wonderful, but they 
were very typical of those in their era.

   In my mind, I was the problem, and the 
only solution was leaving, even if the only 
place to go was worse. At least my parents 
wouldn’t have to look at me in shame.

   Realize, I wasn’t just escaping the humiliation 
of being busted with drugs. I was escaping the humiliation of years of unspoken sexual grooming and assault. By this point, I just wanted to die, hated myself, wanted to be back in school, wanted my parents to come drag me home. 

That’s right. I broke my parent's hearts and my father, my own beloved high school principal, never had a chance to hand me my diploma because I decided that I had to escape, and I was too overwhelmed to even completely understand why. It breaks my heart to this day.

Between the humiliation I felt 
embarrassing my parents, my father being 
my own high school principal in a small, 
small town, and the ongoing assaults, I ran. 

   I checked all of those boxes until I became aware of the patterns I had developed and why, beginning at the age of thirty-six. I still struggle, which led me to develop my SPADES 
workshops. Becoming aware and studying my inner and outer selves has helped me become more focused and successful in every aspect of my life, and I hope it can help you, too.

   At some point, I just stopped fighting and disassociated. That’s the level of dissociative training and self-degradation I had formed. And I never told anyone. I was too ashamed. 

   If you are not a childhood sexual assault survivor, understand that experiences like 
these may be the reason why someone you 
know or love has sexual intimacy, attachment, abandonment, and perhaps even 
substance abuse issues. 

   As a grown woman attending a relatively mandatory common social gathering many 
years later, those two of my childhood sexual assailants - cousins - were standing  together. When I walked by, one growled, "Get her!” to the other. It was still amusing to both of them.

Studying society and rape culture 
has normalized my trauma to a 
sickening degree, igniting both it 
and my demand for change!

   Today, people are scared of “predators”. Back then, nobody really realized there were any close by - because we didn’t tell them! And that is exactly what this book centers around: 
Losing the shame, healing ourselves, 
and re-shaping rape culture. 

   I continued having issues there and beyond, 
but they were of the self-destructive kind, not of the assailant kind, and I'm already writing that book, so we’ll save that for later. 

   I knew how these dealers operate already. One woman involved with the dealer had already been disappeared after the arrest, and I had no intention of also being disappeared. I never told my parents why. I just packed up and ran away again. I was perceived as reckless, but it was an act of love.

   I was now on a cocaine dealer, who was arrested with a few kilos and a handgun's, prosecution subpoena list, as I had babysat within the investigation window.  Awaiting trial, someone called me at my parent’s home and threatened to burn it down and harm my loved ones.

  *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

The dealer got off on a technicality and I grounded myself, waitressing the morning 
shift at the airport Marriott. I enrolled in school across the state and started my Freshman year of college on time with my graduating class. 

   I continued having relationship issues 
but, I'll pick that up in the book I'm currently working on called - Psyche!  Can't tell you. 
It's a secret!

 *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

Part Three - 

Changing the Language of Society

   We ought not put the cart before the horse and, instead, explain the truth about human sexuality, including the fact that sexy makes horny. Who amongst us didn’t know that we should look sexy before we had any idea what that implied, or what sexualized behavior led to, physically? I say, give us a minute to grow up, please! (*Read as 30 years, lol!).

There are thong-bikinis in adolescent sizes for sale 
in stores! Our advertisements, media sources, peers and, often, even our own mothers, encourage us to dress and act sexy before we have any literal idea with that means! 

We seem to be increasingly 
forgetting age distinctions.

   It’s dangerous, and we have to change it ourselves from the level of the infant on; in the way we talk to and treat our children at every age. If we continue to overlay the signs and symbols of adult sexuality on our children, adults will continue to view them as sexually viable.

   Now, for a grown-up, choosing sex-appeal is perfectly appropriate! I love the bring-it-on way my partner looks at me, whatever I'm wearing! But I don’t want someone looking at my adolescent or teenager that way!

Changing Mini Sexy Girls

You are missing the big picture, and I’m here 
to paint it. I’m here as proof - walking, talking, 
trauma-card carrying PROOF that we are 
collectively focusing on the least potential 
threat while ignoring the most obvious 
things we can do everyday to stop the 
sexualization of our children! 

It’s not just the 
obvious predators we need to stop. 

It’s the clueless 
ones and, 
perhaps, even the
uninformed person
 looking at you 
in the mirror.

 *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford;
     all rights reserved 

  *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

Remember that you are NOT your body, 
you just HAVE a body and,  
while your body can be victimized and hurt, 
neither it, nor your soul, can ever be ruined! 
More about that in the final S in SPADES = SPIRIT

Changing the Language 
of Virginity

Referring to virginity as a "thing" that can be permanently taken or stolen from us 
is what makes us feel truly robbed.

• taken from you
• stolen from you
• ruined you
• your precious gift you must save
• lost - stole - took your innocence

Do!  Stop using words and phrases like...

   Using terminology like you have to save yourself, your innocence, and your special gift to give to your spouse someday, discourages many of us who are no longer virgins through no fault of our own due to sexual assault from ever feeling we can speak out! 

"Virginity is a mental construct created to place value on, or to devalue a woman in society" 
Linda Kay Gifford

   No man's penis going in and out of you can change who you are as a person.  Virginity isn't a real thing. Remember...

Telling us it's too bad our innocence is gone - 
ruined - is the thing that actually steals our dignity!

We must change the way we speak about virginity. Survivors of childhood sexual assault are further burdened by the shame societal norms heap upon us. 

It’s no wonder we don’t tell! “Ruined” is hard to 
live with and impossible to let anyone know about!

Words and Phrases regarding Virginity that 
need to G-G-Go!

   It should make your skin crawl, and your genitals shrink when you think about the implications 
the widespread use of these monikers has 
on societal expectations and tolerances.

Are you okay with your female child learning 
to incorporate "Pussy" into her social identity?! 
To have to choose "Pussy" over "Cock" 
just to use the bathroom?! I'm not!!!

   Sooo, let me get this straight... I am to identify the bathroom to use by the fact that I have a vagina, which society likes to refer to as my "Pussy"?! Seriously?!

   Like, recently, I was harassed online by women for expressing disdain that I had to choose between a restaurant's bathroom doors - a Rooster cutout being on one and a Cat on the other. 

   I’ve been told by too many, women included, that I’m overly sensitive about language norms - that I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I prefer enlightened, but that's the layman mentality infecting enough of the population to make a difference at the polls and therefore, our future.

This may surprise you, but I can not seem to stop calling those I love babe or baby. It means precious to me. I welcome any argument, because even I see the dichotomy in my poisition.

Baby and Babe

WE can call ourselves whatever we want... "I'm hanging out with my girls", or "Hey, Girrrrls!  But don't refer to grown women professionals and those you work with as girls. Not the same.

Calling Grown Women Girls

Do! Change your language to exclude referring to adult sexual partners with child monikers! Gross, and Duh!

"Turn your wounds into wisdom." 
Oprah Winfrey

Which 
leads 
me 
to… 

 Practice: DON’T!!!

   This use of language and attitude towards women establishes social norms and belief foundations: 
It's okay to publicly refer to a woman's bathroom 
with a slang reference to the presence of her vagina?!

  *Photo by 
    Linda Kay Gifford;
    all rights reserved

Consent Laws and Justice

or, rather, the lack thereof

   Soooo... the idea that daddy should make a rapist pay said amount and then take your shamed, ruined self off of your family's hands goes wayyy back. That's the history we're dealing with here! (At least in the Quran, they just say to mostly off them!)

"If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her, and they are discovered, he shall pay her father fifty shekels[a] of silver. He must marry the young woman, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives." 

Deuteronomy 22:28-29 
(New International Version 28)

   Like Epstein's survivors who choose to speak out and others, I will, at any personal risk, work to make the justice system aware of the damage done to survivors of childhood sexual grooming and assault and demand that assailants be called assailants!

Consent is #FGKIA = 
A Freely Given, Knowledgeable, Informed Agreement between parties who are 
both capable of giving consent. 

   Joyce M. Short, founder of The Consent Awareness Network (CAN) and author of several books on the issue (see resource section) defined consent in a way we can take to the courts...

   Adults who find children to be acceptable prey for sexual exploitation, victimization, and commoditization, or just outright deceive other adults to gain access to a sexual relationship must be held accountable by law! 

No More Scars!

   Also, Virginia Guiffre's autobiography was released, rest her soul. It is a deep and heartbreaking revelation of the inner struggle of a sexual grooming and assault survivor with C-PTSD, and she named names.

Epstein survivors exemplify the power of truth and unity. As I was about to release this book, 
I had to get back into the manuscript here to add that, in just the last WEEK...

~ Epstein survivors are exploring safe and legal ways to make and release their own list, and I encourage them to do so. I'd like to cross-reference it with what's coming out of the Epstein estate and The White House, for sure.

~ Representative Adelita Grijalva has finally been sworn in following a shut-down arguably aimed at keeping this information from the American people; signing the bill forcing a vote on the release all of the Justice Department's Jeffrey Epstein case files.

~ The White House did an overnight reversal, from threatening any Representative who did, to instructing the Senate to vote for the full release of the files! Who knows what else will happen before this book makes it to the shelves!

~ Thousands of new emails from Epstein's estate have been released, including associations with prominent leaders from all walks of business, 
politics, media, and the arts.

   *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

   If you’d like to be a guest on my Livestream, host a workshop, 
talk with me on your platform, be interviewed for my research, 
collaborate or talk about whatever, please message me through SWEETSurvivor.com Chat Box, or email Linda@SWEETSurvivor.com; Library and Lives: YouTube: @https://www.youtube.com/@LindaKayGifford.CallitAssault

I want to talk with your community, institution, or on your 
platform to share more about the growing problem and 
nature of childhood sexual assault. No topic is off limits, from 
my own experiences, to the neurological differences C-PTSD 
survivors display, dissociation and alters, intimacy issues and solutions, and consent legislation, or, rather, the lack thereof!

Reach Out to Me

“Share your fears and your hopes 
with a fellow survivor.”

  *Photo of original painting by  Michael J. Mayoski; 
   artist and muralist, all rights reserved

*Photo by Sean Carpini; 
  all rights reserved

 My advice to   those who feel   isolated in their   experience of   abuse is - 
 find your Lisa.   Share your fear   and your hopes   with a fellow   survivor.     

  *Photo and Insight by Jessica Rigney; all rights reserved

A childhood sexual grooming and assault survivor's daily guide to understand and manage 
Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome

Part Four - 
Thrive in SPADES! 
Six Steps from Trigger to Happy!

   My SPADES Workshop 
is really just more of a simple 
reminder system. The following 
are the thoughts and techniques 
I realize I have       developed over time to displace           the negative  self-talk and triggers I     experience.   

   Next up is some 
practical advice I 
developed to 
help you start or 
continue on your 
path of recovery. Twelve steps is too many steps for me; no disrespect to its adherents! 

Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in! But I assure you, stick 
with us, and you will discover that you are 
a perfectly normal 
survivor of childhood sexual assault.

*Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

SPADES workshops
 are Live and Free, 
We count on 
and need sponsors
 to provide 
for survivors in need!

S = Know Your Spirit - You are not your body, you have a body, and though it can be victimized, your spirit can ever be ruined!

E = Educate and Advocate! - It's the way out of Anger and into Action!

D = Don't wait to feel Okay to be Okay! - Get help, get healthy, and get living!

A = Ask for what YOU want! - Don't just take what's given in life!

P = The Past from the Present - Learn to recognize and separate the emotions and memories that come up when triggered from NOW.

S = The Shame is NOT Yours! - Put it where it belongs.

"It's a wonderful day to take advantage 
of all that life has to offer!"

   Do these things... and you will feel good. You get out what you put in. Fact is, most of us simply want the ease of pharmaceuticals... pop a pill, pop some bottles, pizza poppers, jalapeño poppers, etc... True wellness... REAL health... is hard f-n work.

  *Photo by Sean Carpini; all rights reserved

   I will say this, and I don't give a f*** who disagrees... we get nowhere alone. That "I did it all myself" bullshit... is just that.. bullshit...

Look close and I guarantee you will see... 
a helping hand somewhere."

   But, fact is, many simply don't know how. It's not like they teach this shit in school. And so therein lies our responsibility and obligation to one another as human beings... to pay it forward. To help others... even as we, ourselves, were once in need of assistance. 

Few of us will choose to live so deliberately... to assume responsibility and be completely accountable... for our own lives. I didn't. Until there simply was no alternative... Get well... or die... or, worse, continue the living death of regret, anger, bitterness and sorrow... the choice is always ours.

   Therapeutic environments, whether medical professional or community-based, must be based 
on the knowledge that early (and subsequent) trauma(s) need to be understood and addressed to find the root causes of each survivor's issues. 

"The nervous system becomes stuck in a 
persistent fight, freeze or fawn state. 
This might make safety and connection feel 
really unfamiliar or even dangerous!"

   "When the brain is exposed to chronic stress or relational stress or trauma in early development, this can lead to long-term changes in brain structure and function. Some key brain regions that get affected involve survival, memory, and emotional regulation."

... is the part of your brain that does higher order 
functions like reasoning, decision making, working memory, and executive control and regulation. In other words, it figures your stuff out and makes plans. It becomes underactive during stress, reducing your ability to calm yourself or think clearly in triggering situations.

A trauma survivor's amygdala become overactive, making us hypervigilant and prone to 
emotional flashbacks and anxiety.

Emotional Regulation; The Pre-frontal Cortex

   Brain scans show reduced hippocampus 
activity in childhood trauma survivors. This 
makes our traumatic memories feel like current threats. It also makes it hard for us to remember things that happened to us as children.

... is Central City for forming new memories and the organization and retrieval of our episodic and spatial memories. In the case of a childhood trauma survivor,  "... (It) might shrink, or it might function poorly, and this can impair your brain’s ability to differentiate between the past and the present." 

Memory - The Hippocampus

... is our threat detection center. It communicates with the other brain structures to process and integrate emotional memories, and regulates our physiological responses to emotional stimuli. It 
sends signals to the hippocampus to store emotional memories and to the hypothalamus to regulate physiological responses, allowing us to coordinate complex emotional responses like our reaction to fear and threat. It immediately decides what a proper response is in the moment. 

Survival - The Amygdala or, Reptilian Brain

   Professionals must learn how each of our personal trauma intersections influence 
our recovery choices, or the lack of 
making any choice at all! 

*I do recognize and acknowledge that my 
C-PTSD experience is also colored by my high functioning autistic tendencies, but there 
is actually a lot of crossover, as masking 
one's true self remains universal in either case!

If we can just figure out what the magic ingredient is, we'll rise up to the level of a 
"Real Girl/Woman", something we think 
others are, and we feel we never quite attain. 
And, truthfully, we won't without some 
serious inner-dialogue work. 

   But what we really are is wary and careful, applying our hypervigilance to our fears and black and white thinking to analyze every detail of every situation in an attempt to mirror properly and fit in.

   As trauma survivors, we are often viewed by others as controlling, defensive, and in need of no-one. Or, conversely, we may become compliant and people-pleasing but co-dependent. We might appear self-absorbed in ways that others find stand-off-ish, self-righteous or important, or just plain weird.

The natural altering of a trauma survivor with Complex PTSD’s neural biology results in a whole host of physical and psychological effects that are particularly severe for survivors of childhood sexual assault. When we confront trauma, our body instinctively enters a heightened state of alertness, commonly known as the fight-flight-freeze, or fawn response. But after prolonged trauma, we remain on edge pretty much all of the time.

Super Common to Universal

Clutter - Ahhh... the failure of Organization! Drive me nuts! have created a place for everything, and everything must be in it before I can even begin my day!

 *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

Meltdowns - They will happen!

Have you ever had that feeling that someone 
else has taken control of your mouth and you really
want them to shut the heck up, but they will not - 
and you’re watching them, even, and it’s you, 
but you are trapped watching it all go down from outside of yourself, while simultaneously telling yourself to shut up? Is it just me, lol?! 

No. It’s not just me. Meltdowns are actually a common experience for many survivors of childhood sexual assault 
and other types of traumas. They are a convenient subconscious escape from a sense of being overwhelmed 
by anything! I think I get a double-whammy pass, with 
my combo of autism and C-PTSD!

   I call it, “Jumping down the rabbit hole of crazy,”  
but, for the sake of that's not very nice, I will now respectfully call it, “The Rabbit Hole of Release”. 

That’s right; some triggers are so overwhelming that meltdowns or dissociative episodes are actually a better feeling - an escape, in the moment. But it doesn’t sit or age well!

   This may initially present as a freak-out or meltdown.
It could also lead straight into a dissociative episode, 
and you may remember little after. A C-PTSD meltdown is, in my opinion, either the option to, or a precursor of 
a dissociative episode. It's an escape mechanism. 
Crazy doesn't allow room for pain.

   At the point that you are irrational, angry, and unable to control your emotions, 
you may even lash out against people 
you care about the most! 

In the case of a person who has felt trapped and endangered for much of our young lives, we 
often try to fight, fly, and freeze all at the same time, causing mental and, often, social chaos!  

When startled or confronted, before you even start to form a coherent thought, your Limbic system, more commonly known as the Reptilian Brain, immediately decides whether to fight, fly, freeze, or fawn. But we don’t always just choose one option. 

We often find ourselves in a constant state 
of tension, full of anxiety, hypervigilant, 
and just generally disregulated and 
emotionally unstable across the board.

If you have trouble controlling your emotions, consider that it's time to think about recovery. 

    That being said, I want you to be very careful to clarify with yourself what situations you are actually afraid of, and which ones you just do not enjoy or cause you true overwhelm. There’d be a big difference in my advice to you, the former versus the latter! If you’re afraid of things you’d like to not be afraid to do, we’ll work on that in the D in SPADES - Don’t wait to Feel Okay to Be Okay! 

Remember that trauma has the power to 
disrupt brain function and chemistry, leading 
to increased vulnerability to stress and anxiety! 

Otherwise, just let your thoughts wander and listen to 
what comes to mind. For me, with diagnosed Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), the separations are so distinct that they often feel like different personalities. Hear them out.

Do! Listen to the voices in your head!

Unless they tell you to do something knowingly wrong. 
Then call a helpline from the resource pages in this book, lol! 

   *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

*Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

Oprah Winfrey said, “Lots of people want to ride 
with you in the Limo, but what you want is  
someone who will take the bus with you 
when the Limo breaks down.” 

There are three kinds of childhood sexual assault survivors. I mean, there are a lot of kinds of survivors and ways to divide things but, for my purposes at the moment, I am dividing us into three main types...

Get On The Bus, Please!

Three Types of Survivors

   The unintended commonality with Type I is that these survivors aren’t really acting to get better in any actionable or measurable way. They’re either seeking a complete medical mind-wipe, or they are stuck in “poor me” banner waving mode. Neither will get anyone far, nor will they help change the future for other survivors. These survivors got in the recovery car, but their wheels are spinning in a figurative pile of gravel.

   They understand some of what’s going on inside of themselves and in their lives, and they are working towards dealing with it emotionally in order to have a more intentional, happy and thriving life.

 Become Number Three. Become the survivor who says,   not only am I seeking recovery...
 
 ~ I want to change the world for other survivors! 
 
 ~ I want to stop this from happening to more
    victims!
 
 ~ I demand society become aware of this and act to 
     do something about it!

   Number Three refuses shame, gains the ability to open up intimately to an emotionally intelligent partner, and becomes an advocate who refuses to remain silent!

Number Three type of survivor has been through enough recovery to know that trigger management is going to become a lifestyle. As I've said, there is no survivor graduation day, but they’ve learned that 
C-PTSD doesn’t have to be a life sentence of pain, but a reality to be aware of, reprocess, and find emotional and productivity workarounds for. They have created an imaginary mental shelf that holds the file of their past, but they can access it when they wish, and leave it closed in the box on the shelf most of the time.

Become an advocate for others, 
and we are not just coach and student; 
We are colleagues.

Type III Sexual Assault Survivor

These people I can work with. These people I want to work with! But you know who I’m going to invite to my party? Who I want at my round table? Next to me on the podium? That would be type number three…

The Workshop

An expanded recovery workbook with exercises and 
additional readings is in the works and will be out in 2026! 
This is more of an overview and explanation of the concepts 
we address in SPADES workshops for those who are 
invested in recovery, as well as non-survivors, 
administrators, and, hopefully, interested sponsors, alike. 
(We've got workshops to provide and homes to build, hint, hint!)

"My mother once told me that a healed woman who rejects shame  is seen as defiant and  terrifying by a world that 
wants her to sacrifice everything she could be 
on the altar of men."

 *Photo and insight from Jessica Rigney; all rights reserved

"May we all become that defiant woman. 
May our daughters never have to sacrifice themselves ever again.” 
Nikita Gill       

The first "S" in SPADES = 
The Shame is NOT Yours!

   We know logically that the shame can not be ours, 
so why do we feel so damned ashamed? Why don't we talk openly about what was done to us - about being raped routinely as children and what circumstances led up to it?!...

But the problematic truth is that shame lives on in our body's memory. It’s woven into the fabric 
of our parasympathetic nervous systems. 

So, yeah, it's not a big mental leap 
to interpret society's dismissal of 
my childhood sexual assaults and 
the proven neural-biological and 
emotional damage done to me as, 
“Heaping the shame back on me”. 

I've realized, upon examination, that my 
personal sense of worthlessness has caused me to accept many things I could have changed.

   We often feel worthless and either wallow in depression and avoidance or mask and attempt perfection in all we do. I went that route. Doing a great job at whatever you do is important. But untethered, perfectionism can cause us to overlook or tolerate other's bad behavior or intent, as we desperately try to make everything right for everyone but ourselves.

In addition to our measurable neurological growth diversion, the creeping nature of grooming, combined with society's topical avoidance and finger-pointing, leaves us festering in an inherent sense of personal shame that we carry into every aspect of our lives. 

The sense of lacking self-worth 
becomes inherent - Wired into us.

Self Worth

Sigh.

And? So What?! 

I just live with the constant sense that I need to, and fear that I don't, rise up to the level of the baseline of appearing socially to be an actual "Real Girl/Woman/Grown-Up/Human",
concepts I still struggle to feel.

   I've ingrained the feeling that if I were better, or if I were more lovable, or simply enough of some indefinable perfect norm, then the abuse wouldn’t be happening/have happened to me, and my personal sense of shame grows. As an adult, I finally realize that I've transferred this feeling of shame into across-the-board negative self-talk and judgment.

We are statistically more likely to under-achieve scholastically, though some, like me, go the other way and try to be perfect in every visible aspect of their lives. I have been told that I have appeared from stuck-up, to a know-it-all, to over-driven (true!), to judgmental (absolutely... just not in the typical way of thought). But I am not stuck up.

Under and Over-Achieving

Do!... Instead, help us reprocess our memories and feelings mentally and emotionally and get on with the happy life we are capable of when 
we can still FEEEEEL our emotions! 
(I just had a Grinch visual come to mind!)

That’s when I lost my conscious sense of shame. 
I knew it was not mine. 
But my body memory and neural-net changes remain. 

Grooming happens before we are old enough to understand it ourselves. We don’t even understand our violation as assault at first. Once you begin to examine your experience and hold the grown-ups accountable instead of yourself, You will see where shame lies, and it's not with you! 

   As an adult, I can now see children the age I was 
then and know that nothing I could have ever said 
or done makes me culpable in my own childhood grooming and assault at the hands of a so-called adult.

Nope. You couldn't, 
you shouldn't, 
you are not, and 
you were not! 

You were a child. I was a child.

Hypersexuality

   *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved
     Moonrise Hotel, St. Louis, MO

Too Much of a Not So Great Thing

No! No! No! Vet them and 
Time - time- time! 

   After years of sexual acceptance and dissociation, when you realize you are forever free from your assailant(s), you want LOVE! You may be distant on the approach, but someone gives you a glimmer of hope, and you fall all in immediately... even if you just met them Tuesday, know nothing about them, and may 
just be going off of the "Hell-a-good-hair" or smile! 

Forgive yourself if it happened. It happens. 
You are not defined by the worst decisions 
you've made, and certainly not as a CSA survivor!

   Hypersexuality is a subconscious way of taking
 back own narrative - our power - choosing our sexual partners on our own. Unfortunately, hypersexual practices also reinforce our own belief that a sexual victim or commodity is just who we are. What we are. We are not! We are simply following a very familiar, very statistically average path for someone with our traumatic childhood.

If that sounds familiar, give yourself a break. You are not a bad person! It is absolutely normal, and all too common, for CSA survivors to practice hypersexual behavior in late-teens and young adulthood. I did, though I didn't realize it as such. When thinking back on my behavior and the choices I made after I sort-of gained control of my own life, I see that I was looking for love in all the wrong places, as they say.

Time and knowledge are your true powers 
to create the relationship of your dreams. 
Note, I said "Create", as in Manifest, not find!

If you play the hop in bed with virtual strangers game, 
you up the ante that they are of the ill intent variety. 
Or, at least, they are probably just as reckless and emotionally unreliable as you are/were (all apologies) 
at this post-escape time of your life, and you may 
be headed for a potential explosion down the road! 

   One of the problematic things is that a 
childhood sexual assault survivor often doesn’t have the discernment skills to know when a 
potential partner has good or ill intent. 

  *Photo and insight by Jessica Rigney; all rights reserved

The "P"in SPADES = 
Past from the Present

Your skin may feel creepy-crawly or you may feel nauseous. 
You may begin to sweat or tremble for obvious,  
 or no apparent reason - 
or actively feel that 
your mind is - must - slip into 
a different state to cope. 

Separate Them!

Trauma survivors with complex-post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) often experience blackouts, among other symptoms.

 *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

Some current (and ridiculous, I think) thoughts you’ll read out there, especially in older more generic texts, is that there isn’t much you can do during a C-PTSD blackout “because you won’t have control of your mind or body at the time.”

   When you feel one coming on, begin to acknowledge your discomfort and shift your mindset to consciously choose your next move, word, or deed. Once you become conscious of the fact that you dissociate and learn more about when and how, you develop the 
ability to choose if and when you will do so!

   Once I learned when, where, how, and why I dissociate, I began focusing on intent. When I consciously intend to be present, it's easier to remain present in circumstances that would have, otherwise, overwhelmed me into a dissociative episode.

We CAN learn to use dissociative 
abilities for “good, not evil” against 
ourselves and others!

• State your name.
• State the date.
• State your profession.
• Name your kids.
• State where you are.
• Say that is a very shiny door knob.  That is a towel. There is a tree outside the window
• Look around you and note that you are safe here.
• Stay present by thinking a new, unconnected thought and running it down!

 State your name and rank, Soldier!
 Seriously...

Well, I’d recommend you change it to your name 
or the one of your choosing, lol. But when you feel yourself becoming dysregulated, break it down to 
the basics...

Exercise: My name is Linda!

   When I feel dissociation present itself, I try to immediately ground myself in the present. The key 
is to separate the past from the present in the fastest, least disruptive way possible. My first and life-long therapist, Molly, taught me an exercise I use to this day...

Fun Fact: Those survivors who learned to dissociate in childhood have the highest overall scores in school, the greatest success in their professions, and the most positive outcomes in life, as compared to survivors who do not 
report experiencing dissociative abilities! 

Well done! Welcome back to today!
Now go water your plants and check on the 
pet's bowl. Take a walk. Tend a garden. 
I find that keeping things alive shifts my focus away from myself. No substituting a 
co-dependent human, though!

       *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) 

Settle down now. 
It’s not what you think!

The condition formerly known as  Alternate Personality Disorder

With prolonged exposure to childhood trauma, our mind's may take a further protective step
 and learn to dissociate completely.

   But, seriously, I think everyone in our world has learned to dissociate to some degree. You literally have to, to survive the modern world of endless choices and possibilities! But they become pronounced in survivors with childhood sexual assault-related C-PTSD and those with other causes of their C-PTSD.

Which one goes with the current or event? 
Quiet? Angry? Accomplished? Playful? 
We’ve got a personality for that!

   As previously stated, Rage is NOT a team player
 in my system, and if anger has too much control of YOU or your system, you need to find a way to  let it go! 

But Rage? Rage doesn’t cry, he bellows! Rage is a fourteen-year-old teenage boy. He angrys his way around my system’s group-calls, looking for ways to figuratively blow it all up. That’s why I named him Rage; because that literally seems to be his only purpose. 

   Alters are what they are, and I don’t believe consolidation back into one personality is a thing. But it’s not problematic. They each have their job, and the work is to recognize what those jobs are and try to take the weight off, if one of us is carrying too much.

   I exist separately from my system, 
but in tandem with it. Since reprocessing my experience, my alter-selves are always present, presenting independent thoughts which I 
accept, reject, or work with. 

I’m Linda, The Observer; Committee Chair and CEO of my system. I have been lifelong driven to observe the world, others, and myself, and write down my thoughts about it all. I’ve been filling journals with poetry and songs since childhood. 

All the “Me-s” are real and present, 
and that’s okay!

   As an adult who is conscious of the fact that each alter is a representation of me that once seemed a necessary split, I listen to each of them and often try to change their minds about negative self-talk; to bring them each up to speed with my knowledge and awareness and, ultimately, to make the final decision when I decide how to be. Who to be.

Who Am I?

~ feel like an observer looking in on the different personalities in your mind; perhaps you even hear or run dialogues between two different personality types or aimed at them all?

 *Photo and insight from Jessica Rigney; all rights reserved

The "A" in SPADES = Ask

"We unintentionally and unknowingly 
become performance artists."

Ask for what you want and need! 
Don't just take what's given in life OR in love!

 Do!...
     ~ If you need a dry run, practice stating 
        your needs and expectations of others 
         in a mirror or to the car or the cat 
         or the laundry, all of which I have done!   

     ~ Remind yourself routinely that nobody 
        wants to live a fake life, and the people                    around you will benefit from your 
        honesty. If they don’t, they’re not your      
        people. You can do better!

And the hard part is, you need to start saying it 
out loud to the people in and around your life!

   I was checking sex boxes mentally, really trying to get this right so that my lover would not be disappointed. I thought that was the way to earning love and respect. Note the word respect, because it’s about to become important.

    I was a virtual sexual performance artist, 
even with my husbands. I literally had no idea 
that you really could enter some kind of 
co-orgasmic bond with another.

   I never gave a thought to my own pleasure, 
and when coming close to experiencing it, I backed down in a way I did not understand until becoming aware of my C-PTSD and learned how it has affected me. 

I realize now that during most past sexual encounters, I felt like I was on the outside of whatever experience I was having. Whether giving or receiving, I always felt like I was watching from outside of myself. 

Pre-Therapy Self: “I saw porn and believed romantic forever love isn’t really a thing.  
Men just want sex and the weirder and more deviant, the better. I am certain I can never be sexually satisfying to anybody, and
I'm not even sure if I give a crap."

The stuff of supposedly normal people’s fantasies 
is the foundation of my nightmares.”

   In fact, while writing this book, I had to re-evaluate 
my entire perspective on love and relationships for a 
year after finding my life-partner! I was working from 
a book-informed stance combined with an unhealthy dose of I don't believe in it anymore-ness. But I was forced to suspend my disbelief permanently when, 
post-awareness and reprocessing work, I met an emotionally intelligent human, fell in love with them, 
and found they maintain their love and understanding for me while modeling integrity every day.

Having an emotionally intelligent partner is amazing and statistically related to better life outcomes for childhood sexual survivors lucky enough to fall in love with one. 

   I finally do have that kind of take me to the stars mental, emotional, and physical connection. But it didn’t come until I understood where I was blanking, if you will. Relinquishing control enough to experience pleasure was not possible for me until 
I did the work, yuck! No, actually it was surprisingly easy once I incorporated trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy and other neural-linguistic practices!

As childhood sexual trauma survivors, we have subconsciously developed the ability to dissociate from sexually intimate experiences, even those of 
our own choosing! Trust, power, and sexual desire often become emotionally entangled, and the overwhelming confusion of their emotional total causes us to pull away mentally, even if we don’t physically. 

With time, effort, and study, I learned how 
and why I dissociate and learned to trust myself.

   And if and when we take that step, remain open, honest, and observant, as physical intimacy often drives us into dissociative states, and you don't want a performance artist, you want a potential life-partner who is present and receiving intimately, not just giving you pleasure and dinner.

   If someone isn’t willing to wait for you sexually, then they don’t have the same goal as you, assuming you are hopeful for a truly connected and intimate lasting relationship. That is the only kind of partnership I feel comfortable extolling the virtues of, and I’m already halfway through that book, so I will save more on that for later!

   I agree with Anna Runkel, known as The Crappy Childhood Fairy (see Resource page), when she says to give your new relationship roughly two months minimum before you decide to become sexually active with someone. 

   I believe the most satisfying and lasting relationships start when you identify what you want in a partner, then learn about and experience their whole life before getting involved with them sexually! 

One moment of true awareness is all it takes 
to reset - to begin to reprocess - which is why 
I stand behind Neurolinguistic approaches 
over medication routines that dull your 
senses and your libido!

And then it was.

(see what I did there again? Keepin' SWEETSurvivor.com fresh in your mind, lol!)

Take Your SWEET Time!

   That is the only kind of partnership I feel comfortable extolling the virtues of, and I’m already halfway through that book, so I will save more on that for later.

   I’m not going to preach, and I’m spiritual but 
not religious. Just think about it from your 
cultural and religious or spiritual perspective 
and decide your own moral base. 

Then hold that line!

   But seriously, folks, that makes sex pretty important, doesn’t it? Something that makes people should be treated with great care, caution, and I feel, even treated as sacred, shouldn’t it? 

 ... that their other parent will also be in your and your child’s life forever, and STDs are forever, too. Now go have fun, kids, lol!

... people who need loved and cared for and emotionally supported and paid for! 

I always told my children that sex is great when you're ready for that kind of commitment, just remember that it makes people…

Sex Makes People!

And one more thing…

Do! 
My advice is, Vet Them! Vet everybody! Google them. See how they treat their dog. See how they treat their mother. Do they litter? Tolerate crying babies without anger? Go to work regularly? What are their politics?

Explore the potential of a relationship 
with anyone before you enter into 
a sexual relationship!

  *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

 Do!

 ~ Become self-aware in love.   
    Practice intentionally listening to your own thoughts.
 
 ~ Examine your habits, behaviors and emotions, and those of your (potential?) partner.
 
 ~ Note - like, I mean it! Write it down! - how they affect  
     your relationship. Seriously, write it down and refer to       it to keep in mind the changes you want to make 
     and the behaviors you will not tolerate!
 
           Make it your personal life manifesto!

If you’re claiming other people are abusive or narcissistic, but staying in the relationships, you’re being self-defeating. If you are rationalizing why staying is necessary instead of remaining because you are truly happy, get out. Move along. But do recovery work before you repeat the cycle, please! 

 Do! Refuse to capitulate or dissociate when   confronted   by unwanted company or events, and   always when   intimacy presents as a possibility. 
 You choose! YOUR rules!

Partners - Do! We child and sexual assault survivors have been deceived, used, and had our trust skewed by bad players. We need you to give us time to feel truly comfortable before taking the huge step of sharing our bodies with you. It is a huge step!

Tell us what I tell my kids. 
Tell us, "I got you, no matter what!"

Do! Always, always, always vet any and everyone presenting with a suspected eating or personality disorder, anxiety or depression, and/or behavioral or anger management issues for signs of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome (C-PTSS). A diagnosis of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder may be called for, or comorbid with other diagnosed personality disorders. Apply trauma-informed and focused strategies that are individualized to each of our experience and life circumstances.

Medical and Support Personnel

Reconsider prescribing 
medications for a 
personality disorder before thoroughly 
vetting 
every 
single 
person 
who presents with a 
mental condition for 
the possibility of 
Complex-Post Traumatic 
Stress Syndrome!

Practitioners - Do!

Acknowledge your personal challenges
 openly and honestly in therapeutic sessions. We have to help our caregivers and therapists plan trauma-informed strategies that truly address the unique needs of sexual assault survivors. Finding the right therapist was 
life-changing to me! 

Survivor - Do!

*Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; 
  all rights reserved

 *Photo by Max Rooke Irwin; all rights reserved

Even with someone I chose, 
I felt like I was just there as a life-wardrobe 
accessory and to serve them sexually. 

Emotionally Intelligent Partners

*Note: I am only discussing my own interactions with personality types that I have had personal experience with in this section! There are others, to be sure! 

Don’t talk about your past sexual experiences with your current partner! It’s beyond rude! 
Listening to you talk about experiences with 
your past sexual partners sets a childhood sexual assault survivor (and just about everyone else, in my opinion!) up in an endless carousel of comparison.

Choose Only

That’s when it was over, over, oooo-ver -
get the hell in my back window, OOO-VERRR!!!

   Final straw? Following a therapy session, they had the lack of compassion and audacity to say they bet I really liked being raped by two men at once as a child!

   The narcissist I was involved with and did try to talk. In fact, our partner counseling was what led me to realize I had Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome - diagnosed Disorder - stemming from childhood sexual grooming and assault. 

   A compassionate partner doesn’t have to be right. They care about your feelings and understand that your needs are your own and that you are 
deserving of and welcome to them! 

Keep your head with your partner, not your past. We're not impressed by your tally, and we don't want to hear about the amazing way someone else made you feel. We're scared. 
We don't trust you, even when we do. 
WE want love, not sport sex.

   I continued being a performance artist, but I wasn’t able to emotionally connect 
to them. Things went downhill from there. 

A Bi-Polar Partner and My Sanity

       *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

   Children will learn adult behaviors, mimic them, and try to compensate for them. If this is the model of a child’s childhood, they and the adult they become, inherently and subconsciously manipulate others with their emotional needs and outbursts. 

   They don't trust that tomorrow will be a good day, and with parents whose primary emotional relationship is with them instead of with each other, they feel they are somehow responsible for keeping the family unit together, while never really trusting that it will. 

   I’m going to coin the Bipolar Disorders, “C-PTSD Light”.  There may be less fear and the lack of feeling you are in mortal danger for a long period of time, but those with Bipolar Disorders do often have similar histories: raised by parents, guardians, or in situations in which they felt emotionally insecure.

The three Bipolar Disorders and C-PTSD actually present very similarly. Combining current neurological research with observed behavior and, taking into consideration the lack of any proven genetic link, many researchers now believe that Bipolar Disorders develop and are, indeed, very similar to C-PTSD. 

Another of my partners was diagnosed Bipolar with additional anger management issues. 
Oh, Boy! Hang on to your sanity!

My Bipolar Partner

It’s important to note that people with C-PTSD 
and/or personality disorders generally and unknowingly hook up with people with C-PTSD and/or personality disorders!

Sounds a lot like C-PTSS/D, doesn't it?!

   As adults, this can look like constant relationship issues, lack of real trust past the honeymoon phase, 
over-achieving or under-achieving, over-dramatic expression and mood-swings, and occasional angry and inappropriate outbursts. 

My advice is to co-parent gracefully. Don't make your child live a lie, or they will have a hard  
time setting boundaries in the future and distinguishing true and healthy emotion from 
the fear of failure or abandonment. 

  Do!
  Try openly to understand your issues and work 
  together to recover and build a stronger 
   foundation, this can work! But when only one, 
or none, are working on their own recovery, it’s a 
   relationship explosion waiting to happen!

   A cornerstone of TIC is the focus on collaboration and empowerment. This approach actively encourages survivors to engage in our healing journeys; important for those navigating the intricacies of C-PTSD. 

 Practitioners, Do!  
 Involving survivors in decision-making regarding   our care helps professionals restore our sense of   agency, which has been diminished or stripped     away by our traumatic experiences. This     collaborative relationship strengthens our   therapeutic alliance and cultivates trust and   respect, both things we need to trust you.

Do! Get off of the carousel and teach your practitioners what you need to recover!

   Does this sound familiar?... You get a new therapist, talk about your past trauma and current dilemmas, they have you chart your emotions all day every day and adjust your medicine accordingly. Week after week, you go back to your therapist, but you don't feel any better. So, you either accept this professional's belief that you will need lifelong talk therapy and meds, or find a different therapist and rinse and repeat.

But the Talk Therapy that is still the standard treatment for PTSD is not a golden one for Complex-PTSD! 

   ALL of which, I will tell you about right now… 
No! Just kidding. Not a chance!
I am not a medical doctor. I do not, cannot, 
and don’t ever want to prescribe!

   C-PTSS/D presents very similarly, an, as I've said,  current research shows it is likely even a potential cause of Bipolar Disorder. Medications traditionally prescribed to treat these disorders are already coming under very deserved scrutiny and fire by the medical establishment and are particularly inappropriate for someone with C-PTSD...

   I, myself, was, at various times, diagnosed with being an under-performer, as having anxiety disorder, depression, ADD, and OCD! 

Those who establish holistically intimate relationships with emotionally intelligent partners have statistical improvement in every aspect of their lives, including their sex lives. (Think true love, care, and orgasms!)

Prazosin - Prescribed to disrupt obsessive and repetitive thought processes that discourage my ability to fall asleep.

The "D" in SPADES = 
Don't wait to feel okay to BE okay!

 *Photo and insight from Jessica Rigney; all rights reserved

"I’m not letting anything stop me from living a happy, healthy and productive life!" 
Me!

 Do! Give your inner child loving feedback   throughout every day and every experience!   Counteract your usual degrading self-talk with   thoughts and words of self-kindness. Notice the   good stuff about you so fast you hardly have
 time left over to kick your own Petuty!

   Reprocess your experiences by examining them and learning why you are like you are. Don’t stop here to judge yourself! Decide who you want to be and head that way. There is a lot of guidance out there and, if you are a childhood sexual assault survivor or associated person, I will be thrilled to talk with you in my free Live and Zoom workshops! 

Talk with your inner child about their feelings, then use your adult knowledge to understand and encourage them, as well as listen to them and work to understand their fears and worries from your learned adult perspective.

Do you live with the dread that 
good things won’t last?

Re-parent 
your 
inner 
child 

  *Photo by 
Linda Kay Gifford; 
all rights reserved 

 Remind   them   that,   while   they   didn’t   feel 
 safe 
 in 
 the 
 past,   they 
 are 
 safe   now!

 Do! Decide if you are actually responsible   for the task or really even want to attend that  event before agreeing on autopilot! 
I mean, everybody has to keep a roof over, 
but routine demands that become excessive,     
 overwhelming, or inappropriate must go!

   Be it a parent, employer, or partner - for work or for play, you don’t have to automatically agree! You will not lose respect from those who actually should matter to you long term if you say “No” or “Not today.”

That being said, STOP and Think first 
before agreeing to anything!...

*Photo by 
 George A. Koffler;     all rights reserved

 *Photo by  Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

Look at it this way - My dad told me, 
"You only have two feet, so narrow your focus. 
There are two possible steps to make. Don't worry where the path is going. Just choose the one next right step based on your goals, ethics, morals, and gut.
Don't forget your gut. Trust it!" 

But expression has been my lifeline! It acts as 
a powerful conduit for processing trauma, empowering us to articulate our experiences 
and emotions, silenced for too long.

   Writing about my own experience has dredged up old body memory, causing automatic and visceral responses to external stimuli that trigger me, personally. After, I realized that much of the original music I've written over the years deals with issues related to my past, seen through the lens of one with C-PTSD. 

It took me decades of emotional trauma and failed relationships to understand and come forward about my years of childhood sexual grooming and assault and it's unyielding effects on every aspect of my life and sense of self worth. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done - going it alone. You don't have to. Please don't!

The way out is through - 
Creative therapies may help you figure 
out when and why you dissociate

The Power of Expression

Creative Therapies

Though it frightens Big Pharma profit accountants and some ill-studied traditional-minded diagnosis AND medicate-and profit-determined medical professionals, Neurolinguistic Reprocessing is simply a combination of well-known and routinely used, 
tried and true traditional therapies, only we put the emphasis on recovery instead of life-long medication routines!

Enter Neurolinguistic Reprocessing

   This transformative therapeutic approach offers a safe space to embody various facets of your trauma. By stepping into different roles, survivors not only explore their narratives but also gain perspectives that foster empowerment and resilience. Drama therapy also enhances interpersonal skills, strengthening relationships.

Drama therapy may be overwhelming for some survivors, in the same way that Talk Therapy is counter-productive to those with C-PTSD, but for others, it can be a powerful way to delve deep into tour experiences and emotions. 

   Before the re-processing work I've done, I was a mess. Well, more of a mess, lol! After drawing pictures of my experience, I ended up in a puddle of tears, realizing that everything that had happened to me as a child was really beyond my control. I also began looking at my traumatic experiences in a more clinical, outside of my emotions, way, and true healing came flooding in!

Art therapy is a fantastic non-verbal outlet for emotions that might be too overwhelming or intricate to articulate. By creating art, we can externalize our internal battle. Moreover, the act of creation can be incredibly empowering, enabling us to reclaim control over our bodies and experiences.

By discovering our voices, we reclaim our agency and start controlling our own life 
narrative; for many of us, for the first time.

Do! Ask for tailored support that encourages 
real and effective healing and empowers 
you to reclaim your life with renewed 
strength and targeted resilience!

 Do! Allow your adult mind to see what happened 
 without interjecting bias. Remember that this is 
 not a graded assignment! Writing words, phrases, 
 or random thoughts are fine. Scribble with a crayon. 
 I didn’t even know what I was going to draw,
  it just all came out with a box of pastels in my hand.   When I saw my drawings, I realized that I was a 
 child, and pronounced myself, "Not Guilty!” 

   *I am also a high functioning autistic and, therefore, have not done EMDR, as I’m scared it might blow up my brain, figuratively speaking, lol. There's no real science there, just my preference and the fact that I had great success with TF-CBT. But most people find a few EMDR sessions - or even just ONE! - to be life-altering. Doing TF-CBT was life-changing for me, 
and the positive effects became apparent literally overnight, I kid you not! 

   I think it's better to think of recovery as making a series of lifestyle changes. Techniques such as trauma-focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), and Somatic Experiencing have proven to be particularly transformative, as have creative therapies of all types!

Music therapy; naturally, one of my favorites, stands out as another effective creative therapeutic approach that can offer significant benefits to us survivors. Whether through listening to or creating music, we have the opportunity to delve into and express our emotions in a safe space. 

  *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

 Music possesses a remarkable capacity to evoke feelings 
and memories, making it an extraordinary tool for healing.
 If you find it hard to speak about your trauma, music therapy is 
a great pathway to comprehend and process your experience!

 Do!... Get Creative! Grab a pen and paper, a box of pastels or your
 kid’s crayons, bang a drum, play the guitar even if you don’t know how! 
Do some improv when no one is looking, or even when they are! 
Join a class. Dealer choice, here, just get going!

   We are often oblivious to hunger or 
dehydration until we're about to pass out! 
With our internal body signals snuffed, 
we end up having hypo-arousal: experiences 
that seem muted or disconnected to us. 

 ~ Trauma Sensitive Yoga (TSY): Focuses on
Interoceptive Awareness and choice. In the context of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, interoception refers to the ability to sense, interpret, and integrate internal bodily signals. We with 
C-PTSD have difficulty understanding, much less managing our emotional and physical states. 

~ Somatic Yoga Therapy (SYT): Uses yoga poses and breathwork for holistic healing. 

~ Somatic Experiencing (SE): This is a specific method by Peter Levine focusing on the body's response to trauma. Read more in "The Body Keeps the Score", in the resource section of thios book

Seek practitioners who offer to incorporate 
Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy 
(TF-CBT), Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), Somatic, Art, Music, and Drama Therapies. Whatever appeals to you!

*Photo by Max Rooke Irwin;   
  all rights reserved 

When we cultivate our own - spaces - where we can truly express ourselves free from judgment, 
we combat our feelings of shame and isolation. 

Modern Research on Mental Illness

 *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

Don't let anyone tell you need 
a lifetime of medication!

   As the British psychologist Lucy Johnstone said, 
“In physical illness you have, in principle, a way of checking it out. You can say, ‘Let’s look at the blood test or the enzyme levels.’ And you could, in most cases, confirm or disconfirm it."

The myth of diagnosis equals an explanation: 
In psychiatry, it’s simply a circular argument

 I highly recommend you read 
The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture (2022), by psychologist 
Gabor Mate, an exhaustive new review debunking the chemical imbalance theory of depression and how to take the first steps towards speaking with your prescriber about alternatives to traditional ongoing treatments. I cannot say it better, so I   
 lifted the following straight from it.
 *See Resource Section

   Reprocess your experiences by examining them and learning why you are like you are. Don’t stop 
here to judge yourself! Decide who you want to be, and head that way. There’s a lot of guidance out 
there and if you are a childhood sexual assault survivor or associated person, I will be thrilled to
 talk with you in my free Live and Zoom workshops!

There is just no medical evidence of a genetic 
predisposition to mental illness. It’s a medical misunderstanding at best and, I fear, a big pharma profit machine at its worst.

   The reason? December kids entered the same grade nearly a year younger than their January counterparts! They were eleven months behind in brain development! 

   A University of British Columbia study looked at the prescription records of almost one million B.C. schoolchildren over an eleven-year period, and found that kids born in December were thirty-nine percent more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD than classmates born the previous January. 39%!

There could be multiple reasons why a child (anyone, 
I might add!) may have trouble paying attention or be restless, disengaged, and fidgety: anxiety, stresses at home, boredom with material they find uninteresting, resistance to the constraints of sitting in a classroom, fear of bullying, an authoritarian teacher, trauma - even birth month, believe it or not!

“The dead end comes when we assume 
or believe that the diagnosis equals an explanation, an especially futile view when 
it comes to illnesses of something as 
inherently abstract as the mind."

"Diagnoses reveal nothing about the underlying events and dynamics that animate the perceptions and experiences in question." 

Re: Diagnostic Model:

   As I tell people I work with, survivors have no graduation date. It's a day-to-day process of awareness, education, and learning to manage the psychological triggers that inevitably happen in this ballpark we call society.

  *Photo and insight from Jessica Rigney; all rights reserved

As I said at the top,
Our mouths are our weapons and 
Our words of truth are our ammunition!
USE them!

The "E" in SPADES = 
Educate and Advocate

   Read this AGAIN: 
So… I punch you in the face! 
Are you going to accuse me of “facial abuse”? 
Did I just abuse your face?! 
NO! 
You’re going to file assault charges against me! 

   So why is it any different when a perpetrator sexually violates or traffics a child or adult - when a rapist violates anybody? Why is it that we collectively refer to sexual assault as sexual “abuse”?

   Every medical and ethical professional I have discussed this with agrees with me. My book excerpts are already in use as required reading in a few universities whose professors reached out to me on social media to ask permission following my initial Facebook posting years ago.

   Start by calling it assault. The legal system hears "abuse”, and sentences without understanding the brevity of assault. Clearly, Rape is Assault! 

Make pedophiles answer!

   Be it the coach or the neighbor or the trafficker, we, survivors of childhood sexual assault, demand you stop looking the other way and giving them a pass! 

Again - We're done. We're just so over being used like sexual rag dolls be it any type of perpetrator, or what I insist you call assailant! 

"I’m not going to let you or your client make 
me  feel in any way that this is my fault. Here we are years later, and I’m being blamed for the unfortunate events of his life that are the  product of his decisions, not mine.” Taylor Swift

   It’s beyond time to make the justice system aware of the damage done to us survivors of childhood sexual assault and demand that assailants be called 
assailants! No survivor understands why this matter has become political. During their meeting with lawmakers, Jena-Lisa Jones and Courtney Wild asked for better protections for victims and survivors of sexual trafficking and assault, and for transparency from lawmakers.

“It’s coming with a cost. There’s a lot of 
triggers that are coming. There are emotions 
that are coming up that you don’t realize at the 
time when you’re reading it, but it sparks anger, 
it sparks flashbacks, it sparks anxiety, and then leading to the fact that, well, ‘I can’t escape it, 
so, I need to know it, but it’s greatly 
impacting everybody.”

Randee Kogan, a therapist who has worked with 
some of the survivors for decades, calls the ongoing questions and speculation “a form of imprisonment” 
for the abused girls, now women.

Epstein/Maxwell Victims Speak Out

CALL IT ASSAULT!

Do you hear the difference? 
Do you FEEL the difference? 
I do, and words matter, 
So, again I beg, start there, please!

We think of it as a reason to be determined 

We see it as a reason to fight publicly 
to never ever let this continue!

We see it as a memory. 

   And what makes me the sickest, being a survivor, is looking around and finding few people who even seem to give a crap about us! They think of us and our sexual victimization as a topic. 

   Well, Folks, they are stacked, and we are falling in 
as a society. We are failing to stop the normalization of rape-culture and the further commoditization of children. 

   In Kathy Mattea’s song, Whole Lotta Holes, she sings, “If you stacked them all together, 
you could fall in there forever.”

   While this man would probably never act on such a thought, giving him the benefit of the doubt, he is still unknowingly perpetuating the problem. It’s little statements like this that make a huge impact when stacked in a pile.

   I see it as the reason I feel like I’m going out of my mind!... Because, even with my convictions, I’m just barely keeping this message’s head above water. People continue turning a blind eye to the justice we deserve, when what we need is robust support from our peers, professionals, and the legal system. 

Do!
 Talk about stigma and recovery! 
Educate society about consent, respect, 
and healthy relationships. 
Integrate prevention strategies into conversations.

   Rape is assault. Rape is not just abuse. 
Calling rape abuse carries less impact in both society’s collective mind, and in the severity 
of an assailant’s sentencing...
if any at all even happens. 

Do! Protect every woman's access to life-saving medical intervention. Realize that each of our health decisions are based on our personal and 
religious beliefs and medical situation.

Abortion should not be an issue to you unless you are personally faced with that decision. It is, and must remain, a personal and/or medical choice made by a woman or pregnant other and their doctor. Please remember there are all kinds of beliefs, and file this under "Nun-a-my", before another woman dies from medical confusion and legal paralysis

*To learn more about consent law issues 
and what you can do about them, please 
visit The Consent Awareness Network (CAN) 
@ConsentAwareness.net 

VOTE like your child or sister's life depends 
on it, because it literally actually could!

 I am currently (2025/early 2026) conducting interviews with
 fellow survivors, invested loved ones and support personnel 
for a coming book. Contact: Linda@SWEETSurvivor.com 

*Sponsors bring SPADES Livestreams, Library, and Workshops to survivors! Please, become one today! 
To sponsor workshops or host one, contact Linda@SWEETSurvivor.com
or the SWEETSurvivor.com Chat Box

   Writing this and all entailed, from prepping with a pitch coach for Bradley Group’s National Publicity Summit, to telling my experience openly and honestly to the countless people involved with the formation, publishing, and promotion of this book, has been, at times, very emotionally disregulating. But it has also opened surprising passageways for me in my personal life and relationship growth, and is allowing me to help other survivors manage trauma and advocate for change.

 What I used to hide, I now present as evidence.

I repeat: Current national and global trends towards stripping bodily autonomy and human rights away from woman and others will set us back decades to, unchecked, millennia!

Reach Out to Me, Please!

I want to talk with your community, institution, 
or on your platform. 

   I've decided to speak 
and teach anywhere I 
can to share more 
about the growing 
problem and nature of 
childhood sexual assault.

   I feel the need to explain 
the neurological changes 
that accompany C-PTSD 
and the life-long personal issues associated with it. 

No topic is off limits, from my own experiences of
dissociation and alters, to intimacy issues and solutions, 
the need for meaningful standardized consent legislation to protect victims and punish assailants in a way that truly deters.

I explain to fellow survivor's the need for honesty and unity
 so that we become the best version of ourselves and gain
 the strength to become an undeniable collective of
 advocacy, demanding an end to rape culture!

Sharing strategies for initiating personal and 
societal healing is the start of a better life for us all! 

   
As survivors, we must become visible 
and accept the responsibility life dealt us. 
Only we can begin our recovery, and only we can make others understand why we need your help 
to save countless girls and women from similar fates.But stigma surrounding childhood sexual assault stops many of us from ever even 
seeking the help we need.

Awareness campaigns that spotlight personal stories bridge gaps between understanding and empathy and foster dialogue where silence once ruled. 

 *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

 *Photography and insight from Jessica Rigney, all rights reserved

The final S in SPADES = Spirit

You are not your body, you just have a body, 
and though it can be victimized and hurt, neither it nor your spirit can ever be ruined! 

   You have to step into an arena that is totally unknown to you. You have to be guided by someone who can help you to break the hold of what has you, that can break the arena of the conditioning that you have adapted yourself to and then you can set yourself free again and begin a new path. 

   Instead, we resist, resist, resist and we justify our anger until, pretty soon, it becomes bigger than we are. In order to keep ourselves distracted, we immerse ourselves in a different direction until that becomes our sanctuary and becomes so much a part of who we are that it gets to a point I can no longer control it, it controls me. 

   We want it to be something else other than what it is and we wish it was different and we don't like it and when we don't like something, we get angry. We get angry because we cannot control and we never catch the lesson. We never take what is being shown to us. 

   We have a tendency to resist what is before us because we do not have maturity to understand that everything that comes is a lesson of some sort and is teaching you something. If we don't like what we are seeing, we resist it. 

   The source of EVERYTHING is spirit. The strength of your spirit is dependent upon your ability to take on and shape the energy that is before you so that you can learn from it rather than be consumed by it. 

 Author, photographer, and member of the
 Yaqui  Nation, wrote the following. I think it 
embodies the reason and effort in what we, as participants in life, much less survivors of 
childhood sexual assault, seek and must do...

Sean Carpini - A New Way to See

*Photo by Sean Carpini; all rights reserved

(I hope you find, in the strength of your spirit, 
the courage to help others! Tell them what you’ve learned. Point them in the right direction. 
Suggest reading materials. Donate your time and your resources to help survivors learn to thrive! Linda)

   To learn balance in our lives, we must learn a new way to see. The path of wholeness, balance and change is our most powerful challenge in life and our greatest service to the world.
~~~~~~~~~~~

   It takes a lot of courage to do this. Some people do not have that kind of courage. All of life is about change and the courage to step into newness and it is ironic, for the very thing that we want, is what we resist, change. 

The only way you can break that kind of hold is to immerse in something completely different, completely new to you, something that you cannot predict something that is beyond conditioning.

The arc of history does not bend towards justice. We, the people, bend it with resistance, 
solidarity, and unwavering fortitude!

I don’t care what your religion is or isn’t. I just 
want you to realize that you are an individual 
worthy of whatever you desire to have and 
hold and accomplish in this life! 

Intersection of Religion and Politics

Your quest is your own, 
just keep a couple of things in mind...

  *Photo by George Koffler; all rights reserved

Support candidates for change. Support SWEETSurvivor.com's Resource and Rescue Fund!
Help us build SWEET SAFE HOMES for survivors, 
with all the resources they need to recover, reprocess, 
and re-align! Make this stop in our generation!

~ Don’t get traded for a cow or accept an otherwise 
    family-sanctioned arranged marriage!

~ Advocate within your religion! 

~ Don’t trade your daughter for a cow, literally or  figuratively!

~ But reject patriarchal bait and switches that leave women 
    and others holding the short end of the human rights stick!

~ Vote to secure standardized consent legislation! 
   Go after assailants legally, 'cause I hear prison sucks!

Keep the part of your religion that focuses 
on love and kindness to others.  
And the potlucks! Definitely keep the potlucks!

*This is a highly personal story of my afterlife visit during a 
suicide attempt. I’m not preaching, and I am not even religious! 
It’s just important to me, considering none of us is getting out 
of here alive, to tell you what happened. If this sounds too trippy 
for you, I understand! When it happened, it blew my mind too! 
Thanks for reading the rest! Just skip to Celebrities who 
make a Difference and Resource Sections that follow. 

 *Photo by Max Rooke Irwin; all rights reserved

My Life After Life Experience

They say no one gets out of here alive. 
The truth is, EVERYBODY does! 
So, my loved ones, whether you or I leave 
this place first, I’ll see you again soon! 
Peace, Love, and Blessings to you all,
always… and forever!

   Though I didn’t know it yet, that was the 
beginning of my desire and ability to help other childhood sexual assault Survivors overcome the shame, the guilt, and the self-loathing we are unconsciously consumed with manifesting for ourselves. 

   I still don’t want to leave my human body, or this earthly experience any sooner than necessary, but I no longer fear death, because I KNOW that death is a human construct, just the human definition for our, seemingly, mysterious transitions. And I know my friends and family will be waiting for me again, just like the first time they welcomed me to join them.

   Yes, transition is a daunting concept, but only 
until we begin it. Then it comes as naturally as a summer breeze. Making peace with any fear 
of the afterlife would be prudent, considering! 

They say no one gets out of here alive. 
The truth is, EVERYBODY does! 
So, my loved ones, whether you 
or I leave this place first, 
I’ll see you again soon! 
Peace, Love, and Blessings to you 
always… and forever!

I believe 
we are all 
infinite beings.

  *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

 *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

"It’s not always easy to speak up about sexual assault. Not only 
does talking about being assaulted bring the whole experience back to the present for victims, but there’s also the fact that 
shame can be attached to the incident - even though being  assaulted is not the victim’s fault under any circumstances.

   But, when a celebrity talks openly about being assaulted, it can help heal the wounds of others who have gone through similar incidents. Assault can happen to anyone, and it doesn’t matter if you’re famous or not. It’s gut-wrenching and life-changing no matter who you are. Celebs who step up, however, put faces and names to sexual assault, which opens up the conversation.”

Thank You, Celebrities Who Make A Difference!

*I draw much in this section from a June 30, 2024, article in
 She Knows Magazine, @SheKnows.com; 31 Celebrities Who Have Bravely Opened Up About Being Sexually Assaulted, 
by Sarah Long, Giovani Gelhoren, and Maggie Clancy; 

"And I ran all the way home. Now, here's the thing: I didn't tell anyone. I didn't tell my parents. I didn't tell my brothers. I told no one. I was humiliated. I was scared. I was worried. I thought I had done the wrong thing. I thought I had done the bad thing. It was something that stuck with me for a very long time."

   “I often look back at that time and wonder how in the world I survived,” he added. “I remember all of 
 the abusive events, but everything outside of that 
is very blurry to me, which is a bummer because I experienced a lot of great things in my life and my career during this time. But it was so overshadowed and ruined by what I was dealing with on the inside that it made it really hard for me.”

   “And it just got worse, and worse, and worse, and worse, and I was just trapped, ” Bell continued.“I had no way out. The abuse was extensive, and it got pretty brutal.”

   *The report found that even though gymnasts first reported the sexual assault allegations to the FBI in 2015, he continued to treat gymnasts at Michigan State University, a high school and a gymnastics club until September 2016. 

Cheryl Burke - who said in a 2015 TLC documentary titled Breaking the Silence, that she was sexually abused by her neighbor as a child and talked about how it still affects her life all these years later.

“To say that rapes reported are the only rapes that count contributes to the ideology that survivors of unreported rape don’t matter. It’s unfair, untrue and unhelpful. It’s like you got a black eye from getting punched in the face, but because you didn’t call the police, you didn’t really get a black eye… Unreported rapes count. Reported rapes count. End of story.”

"Disgusting!"

"We were violated!”

   She also discussed more terrifying encounters: one with a high school teacher where he tried to manipulate her and a run-in with convicted rapist Harvey Weinstein.

 “I remembered it. I have visions of him on top of me, covering my mouth, being like, ‘You’re dreaming, you’re dreaming,’ and whispering that in my ear.”

   Ashley, who is very vocal about her dismay with Internet sexual harassment, spoke up about her own personal experience with sexual violence in a 2015 essay for identities. She wrote about the link between online harassment and misogyny: 

   "Oftentimes survivors say that the betrayal and the moral injury we suffer within the system is worse than the sexual bodily invasion we experienced in the first place."

In a 2014 CNN report on her work combating sexual violence in war, Jolie stated, "We need to shatter that impunity and make justice the norm, not the exception.” 

   Angelina told The Times that, after the incident, she chose "never to work with him again and warn others when they did." While she initially got out of the hotel room, she later clarified her understanding of the experience, stating, "The truth is that the attempt and the experience of the attempt is an assault." 

Angelina Jolie - who has spoken about her own experience of sexual assault from Harvey Weinstein. In October 2017, as the #MeToo movement gained momentum, Ms. Jolie confirmed to The New York Times that she had a "bad experience with Harvey Weinstein in my youth” during the release of her 1998 film Playing by Heart. 

   "Today, nine years into my recovery, I can go farther and say my 'story' is not 'my story.' It is something 
a higher power (spirituality, for me, has been vital 
in this healing) uses to allow me the grace and privilege of helping others who are still hurting, 
and perhaps to offer a piece of education, 
awareness and action to our world."

“It is recognized by the U.N. as one of the prime reasons why women remain in a subordinate 
position in relation to men in most parts of the 
world, and as a critical obstacle to achieving 
women’s equality and our full human rights.” 

   In her keynote address at the United Nations Peacekeeping Defense Ministerial Conference in Vancouver, Angelina shared her dream of living in a world where there’s no more sexual violence and explained what she thinks it’ll take to make her dream a reality, according to the Huffington Post. 

[*By my math, that leaves one prosecutable count, 
doesn’t it?!  Linda G.]

   "While Kesha's [claim] alleges that she was sexually, physically and verbally abused by Gottwald for a decade, she describes only two specific instances of physical/sexual abuse. And the most recent event described was alleged to have happened in 2008 and so falls outside of the statute of limitations."

New York Judge Shirley Kornreich dismissed all of Kesha's abuse claims, saying...

   "I would have to APOLOGIZE publicly and say that I never got raped! THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS behind closed doors.  
I will not take back the TRUTH. I would rather let the truth ruin my career than lie for a monster ever again."

   "So. I got offered my freedom IF i were to lie," she wrote in the caption of an April 2016 Instagram post. 

Kesha - who sued producer Dr. XXXX in 2014, who allegedly drugged and raped her while she was under his employ. Since then, she's also spoken up for other artists who have experienced similar situations, refusing to back down or be silenced.

“Ending gender-based violence is therefore a vital issue of social justice in all nations. And confronting its use in its most extreme form, as a weapon of war, is essential to future peace and security.”

“Sexual violence is everywhere—in the industry 
where I work, in business, in universities, in 
politics, in the military, and across the world.” 

After listing the many U.N. acts and resolutions dedicated to ending sexual violence, Angelina, a Special Envoy for the U.N. High Commissioner for Refugees, 

*Padma also details her account of what happened in her book Love, Loss and What We Ate.

"What I remember more is telling my mother 
what happened and her believing me and telling someone else what happened and that person 
not believing me."

"Now I am free, somewhat. Thank you for the switch that went off inside finally when I realized my silence said I cannot help nor change and that is not who I am. I love you all very much for creating a safe space. The time is now."

   "Thank you to my Soul, body, mind, emotions, 
my inner child, my younger self, I love you. 
It's a night of celebration, of change, 
of not being ashamed of your race, 
creed, color, situation, circumstances 
and environment, or past."

*Nassar was sentenced to up to 175 years in prison, 
  Thank you!

"It started when I was 13 years old, at one of my first National Team training camps, in Texas, 
didn’t end until I left the sport."

 “To be honest, I’m terrified. Yet, this is something I felt was put on my heart to write and to share and, after all these years allow myself to be free of something I felt I had to hide. Lady Gaga’s performance was powerful and really moved me."

   “I’ve been trying for hours to think of what to say here, typing and back spacing,” Roper wrote on Instagram...

Jade Roper - who was inspired by Lady Gaga’s 2016 Oscar’s performance to share her own story of how she was raped at a party when she was seventeen years old.

“It's messed with me my whole life, and now i
t's going to mess with me for the rest of it. 
I have Complex-Post Traumatic Stress, and I 
have anxiety and depression, and I have for 
years tried to deal with this stuff that 
happened to me when I was a kid. 

“A very long time ago I ended a long emotionally 
and physically abusive relationship with a man 
I had been with for some time. One night I was 
at a show with a couple girlfriends in Hollywood, listening to a DJ we all loved. I knew there was 
a chance my ex could show up, but I felt 
protected with my girls around me."

SWEETSurvivor.com = 

"I've had my ass grabbed by older, powerful men; 
I’ve had them corner me in inappropriate sexual conversations when I was much younger."
I understand the unwarranted shame, powerlessness and inability to blow the whistle. There's a power dynamic that feels impossible to overcome."

 "What Weinstein is being accused of is criminal. What he's admitted to is unacceptable - in any industry. I applaud everybody speaking out."

“Through this lens we can build a renewed sense 
of personal self-worth and ultimately recalibrate 
our responses to circumstances, situations, and relationships. It is, in other words, the key to reshaping our very lives.” 

       *Photo by Linda Kay Gifford; all rights reserved

"Thank You, Celebrities, 
Me, Too! " Linda Kay Gifford

“At 9 and 10 and 11 and 12 years old, 
I was raped by my 19-year-old cousin.” 

   In WomensHealthMag.com (Oct.17, 2017, au. Jessica Migala) Reese says she was assaulted by a director when she was sixteen, but...

"I felt less alone this week than 
I’ve ever felt in my entire career!"

Please Support
The SWEET Survivor Resource and Rescue Fund!
 Your $1.99 monthly subscription funds FREE Live Workshops for adult survivors of childhood sexual  assault, supports advocacy for consent legislation,  
and keeps the lights on @SWEETSurvivor.com.

SUBSCRIBE @https://www.facebook.com/LindaKayGifford.ThoseNastyWomen.SWEETSurvivor/subscribenow?surface=pinned_comments

(CAN.org) - Learn about consent laws, or the lack thereof. Founded by fellow survivor Joyce M. Short, CAN is on the front line, demanding legislation that recognizes that consent = a freely given knowledgeable informed agreement between persons who are both of legal age, and also capable of giving consent. [*Please use #FGKIA wherever applicable!]

*You will remain anonymous, of course, unless you want your name included, and that's okay, too! You are welcomed, and encouraged, to use my platform to finally tell your reality - not story - reality!

*If you’d like to be a guest on my SWEET Survivor Video Podcast, 
or be included in my research and have your story possibly
 feature in my upcoming book, please message me through the SWEETSurvivor.com Chat Box, or Linda@SWEETSurvivor.com.

  *Photo by Sean Carpini; all rights reserved

Free SPADES CSA C-PTSD Workshops 
 ~ to any and all who wish a healthier life, from the boardroom to the bedroom! Library and Livestreams @https://www.youtube.com/@LindaKayGifford.CallitAssault

Contact: Linda@SWEETSurvivor.com for workshops 
and speaking engagements, online or in person.

   *Photo by Sean Carpini; all rights reserved

My 11 original track album, A Bed for My Boots, including 
Little Girl - the song I first wrote that led to this book, 
Hold Me - written by my good friend and fellow musician, Scott Simpson,

and Fire and the Flame -
cut also by 
The Del McCoury Band on their Grammy-Nominated, International Bluegrass Music Awards Album of the Year, "It’s Just the Night"!

Download "A Bed for My Boots" Free  
11 Original Tracks @LindaKayGiffordSongs.com

William ends his review with, "We can expect great things from Gifford. May God and the world give her room to grow and make more music.” Amen to that! 
Hopefully you will like it, 'cause I’m about to start recording and releasing another seventy-seven (and growing) of my original songs rapid-fire. Taylor-style!

 “...a quirky, eleven-song fantasy for flautist and ensemble... that delivers.”  William Fury, Illinois Times, Springfield, IL

 "… Illinois Soul Songwriter, Linda Gifford..."
Alladin Theater, Portland, OR

 "A remarkably accomplished flutist, able to use a country style ballad like Johnny Cash's Folsum Prison Blues as a launching pad for improvisational soaring!" Paul Harris, The St. Louis Post Dispatch, 
St. Louis, MO

"In the hands of a virtuoso with an Imagination, the possibilities are endless." Margaret A. Howard, Nightlife, Carbondale, IL

Musical Reviews:

From a review of Del McCoury's IBMA 2004 Award Winning Album of the Year, It's Just the Night, which contains Del's rendition of my song, Fire and the Flame. (*My version appears on A Bed for my Boots. Download Free @ LindaKayGiffordSongs.com)

   This album began as a five song demo, recorded live. A mutual friend in the amazingly talented original band, Mr. Opporknockity (check them out!), played it for internationally renowned engineer, Jonathan Pines; having worked with the likes of Alison Krauss, Wilco, and Counting Crows among others. This led to his invitation to record a full-length version at his Private Studios in - Well, it's private!

This is, in no way, a complete list of every great book and organization 
I recommend on the topic. But these are some of my go to-s...

       *Photo by Max Rooke Irwin; all rights reserved

BOOKS

by Aphrodite T. Matsakis Ph.D; This is a framework for survivors of sexual assault to overcome substance abuse, panic and anxiety, complex-post traumatic stress disorder, depression and more.
~~~~~~~~~~~

Trauma-Proofing Your Kids, by Peter Levine; This is a practical guide for parents on helping to build resilience in our children!
~~~~~~~~~~~

The Myth of Normal - Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture (2022), by Psychologist, Gabor Mate; This is an exhaustive new review debunking the chemical imbalance theory of depression and other so-called mental illness/disorders. 
~~~~~~~~~~~

Let Me Write This Gently, My Baby (2025) by Author, Poet, Photographer, and podcast host, Lisa Marie Lovett; I am enthralled by all of Lisa's work! Though aimed at teenage girls, I believe everyone can learn and grow from her work! The book description says 
it well… “Raw poetry, tender prayers, and truths, she speaks to the parts of you still healing, still hopeful, and still learning how to rest in your own worth”
@seasoned_dialogue 
~~~~~~~~~~~

(PsycInfo Database Record (c) 2020 APA, all rights reserved)

   The findings suggest that, because language may serve as an implicit measure of depression and sexual health, monitoring language changes during treatment may provide a reliable indicator of treatment response, free of the biases of traditional self-report assessments. 
(PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2016 APA, all rights reserved)

Conclusions: This study supports the validity of the seven themes identified by Stanton and colleagues (2015), and suggests that expressive writing may aid women with a history of sexual abuse to process their abuse history such that it becomes a less salient aspect of their sexual self-schemas.

My son surprised me with a Celtic SPADES tattoo 
as a show of his love and support after that person 
I mentioned earlier told me I'm still just a victim the 
night I excitedly mentioned that my book and 
TedX Talk was in the works. I was NOT expecting 
either that vitriol or my child's kind gesture! 

 I had no   plans to   ever get 
 a tattoo,   but I'm   getting a   matching   one now,   for sure!

Talk about a show of support! Wow!

If I didn't say it clearly enough the first 16 times 
in this book - We need sponsors and money 
to succeed. Please help if you can. 
The subscription is just $1.99 a month. 
Corporate and individual sponsorship is key 
to our ability to host free workshops, 
show up to speak in advocacy, and begin to 
set up SWEET homes nationwide!

Please! SUBSCRIBE @https://www.facebook.com/LindaKayGifford.ThoseNastyWomen.SWEETSurvivor/subscribenow?surface=pinned_comments

Contact me @ Linda@SWEETSurvivor.com
or SWEETSurvivor.com Chat Box, which ONLY 
I answer for the sake of anonymity.

Thank You for Reading!
 It means the world to me and fellow survivors of childhood sexual grooming and assault!
You give us all hope.